Author: tejvan

Recently, we posted on how to deal with angry customers. In this post, we continuing our series on dealing with anger. – This time, how to reduce our own anger

In this post, I would like to consider some more suggestions for resolving problems of anger

Short Term

Anger is a sudden emotion that can flare up and take us by surprise. In this immediate time period it is most powerful. When we feel overpowered by anger it is important to try and delay our response. If we try to remain detached, even for a moment, the force of the anger will start to dissipate. Then it becomes easier to view the issue objectively.

• When anger takes us by surprise, it is helpful to do some deliberate exercises that take our mind away from the anger. If we breathe calmly, slowly and deliberately, this will definitely help reduce the impact of the anger. Even just counting can help. All that happens is that we are forced to think of something else and this on its own reduces the power of our anger.

In the Long Term, if we can’t get rid of underlying anger and resentment, we can try these techniques.

Don’t Take Life Too Seriously

“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,”

– William Shakespeare

In life, people will do stupid, irritating things, if we expect perfection from others, if we expect our life to be free of problems we will always be doomed to disappointment. Life is too short to harbour grudges and anger against people.

What is Gained, What is Lost?

Nursing anger towards others is a guaranteed to make us depressed. But, does it help change the situation? The point is we need to be wise, if we are angry and miserable we gain nothing. If we nurse anger and are unable to get rid of it, it will be ourselves who lose out. If we can detach from anger, if we can move on, then we can regain our inner happiness. Wanting to be peaceful, is the most important step in actually achieving it. If we realise the benefits of dealing with our anger, we will make persistent efforts to get rid of it.

Continue reading “Anger Management Techniques”

Our blog is a little over a year old. We are grateful to all our readers who have subscribed and left kind and thoughtful comments. We also grateful to those who have ‘stumbled’ the odd post. Stumbleupon has definitely helped us to grow the blog.

These are some of our favourite articles in the past 12 months

• Effective ways to get out of a negative mindset – How to shake off a bad mood and enjoy life again
• The power of Gratitude – simple but effective
• Seven Steps to Inner Peace – There is nobody who wouldn’t appreciate more inner peace, these are some tips to make it a reality
• The Meaning of Love – The difference between real love and emotional attachment
• The Power of Simplicity – simplify your life
• How to Avoid becoming a grumpy old Man – I’m trying!
• Video post of Shane and Tejvan – You won’t learn anything about how to make a professional video, but, at least you will see who we are!

Photo: Pavitrata, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries

It is unfortunate that the angry customer is all too common. If you work in any service industry, you will undoubtedly come across people who get needlessly angry. It can be quite disconcerting as there can be real power and invective behind their anger. Knowing how to deal with angry people is an invaluable life skill and definitely will help you remain peaceful This advice is equally valid for dealing with angry people in general.

Dealing With Angry People

Don’t respond With Anger

You may feel that their unjustified anger means you have the right to respond in a similar way. Maybe you would be justified, but, it definitely won’t help. Responding with anger makes the situation worse because:

• They will get even more angry and unreasonable.
• More importantly, you will become stressed and unhappy.
• Staying calm is the best way to resolve the situation.

Feel, that they are like irresponsible teenagers, and you need to  respond in a responsible and reasonable manner.

Don’t Feel Guilty

The nature of anger is that the person tries very hard to make you feel guilty. You may just be a humble petrol attendant. But, the customer wants you to feel guilty for the fact petrol prices have risen by 20%. Don’t bother to explain that your duties as a petrol attendant  don’t actually involve speculating billions of $ on oil stocks just so customers will face higher prices. Whatever the complaint – don’t feel guilty. Even if it is a mistake like bringing the wrong order of food, it is just a mistake and not something to be guilty or ashamed about. If you do feel guilty, you will be unhappy and also feel that you need to defend yourself.

An Angry Customer is Probably an Unreasonable Customer

When people get angry they loose a sense of perspective and it becomes difficult to reason with them. It is good to deal with the situation in a way that pacifies them without going into too much detail.

“I am very sorry, for your inconvenience. We will investigate the problem and the technical staff will endeavour to resolve it as soon as possible.”

Acknowledge Their Complaint and Offer Some Solution.

People who get angry don’t want to lose face, so it is important to give them a way out.

• Firstly don’t panic. They may feel it is the most important thing in the world, but, sometimes a moments silence can calm the situation.
• Acknowledge the issue.
• Apologise for their inconvenience. Note: if you think there complaint is unjustified, you can apologise in a very unspecific way. This gives an apology without having to admit that they are right.
• Say you will refer it to the right department. They might not want to hear this, but, they have to realise the person answering the phone in a call centre, doesn’t necessarily program the ISP configuration of their internet service.

Think of them as insignificant ants.

People who get angry because their coffee is   too cold, or have been charged 50p too much for their 5 star hotel, really don’t deserve too much sympathy. They are like spoilt children who go around causing needless mischief. You will reply in a calm and dignified way, but, don’t hold onto the problem. Let it go.

Continue reading “How To Deal With Angry Customers”

Last week, I made a challenge to see what it was like not to criticise other people either inwardly or outwardly. I have to say it was quite difficult! It seemed as if events conspired to make it more difficult than usual or maybe I was just more aware of how often we are prone to criticism.

These are some observations from last week.

Criticism can become like a bad habit. I noticed there were occasions where I instinctively started to criticise others – usually over minor infractions like for example, a house mate not tidying up. You have to work hard to get out of the habit.

The Action vs Person. When you are trying hard not to criticise, one thing you are forced to do is separate the action from the person. Just because somebody is untidy or irritating it doesn’t make them a bad person. It is worth developing the ability to think badly about an action of a person without making it personal.

Not Neutral If we don’t find anything to criticise, we like the person. We are not neutral.

Empathy. When we are trying hard not to criticise other people, it encourages us to develop empathy. Rather than jumping to condemnation, we think it is a mistake we could easily be making ourself. This is actually quite true, because when we criticise others, we often have the fault in ourself. This empathy or feeling of oneness with others feels good.

Criticism is often False anyway. Once I was cycling home, a driver carelessly through some litter out of the window, normally I would start criticising inwardly, but, this time I checked myself.  When I cycled further on, I realised the driver had just thrown a leaf out of the car – so it wasn’t litter at all. This seemed an appropriate lesson. Often when we criticise we are wrong and misinformed anyway.

There is no peace in criticism. One thing no one can deny is that if you spend all your time criticising others you will not have peace of mind. If you stop criticising the world doesn’t stop functioning.

Criticising Yourself. To avoid criticising others, it is important to work on not criticising yourself. I’ve noticed that there is strong link  between criticising others and criticising yourself. When we criticise others, we are living in a judgemental frame of mind. When we are judgemental about others, we tend to be judgemental about ourself. If we can be tolerant / accepting of others, it is easier to be accepting of ourself.

To live without criticism does not mean we ignore right and wrong. It means we don’t spend precious energy in thinking badly of others and ourself.

I definitely feel that the mind is far too prone to criticism and it creates an unhappy state of mind. I’m going to give it another go this week and try to do better!

It is said that to read a book takes one hour. To understand a book takes one week, But, to actually live the book can take several lifetimes.

I frequently, read about the desirability of avoiding criticising others.

To deliberately criticise
Another individual
May cause an indelible stain
On the critic.

– Sri Chinmoy

The fault is in the blamer
Spirit sees nothing to criticize

– Rumi

“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.”

– Benjamin Franklin

“Criticism is an indirect form of self-boasting”

– Emmet Fox

This is something in this that really resonates. And yet, it can be difficult to put into practise. As Sri Chinmoy says:

To resist the urge
To criticise others
Is, indeed, a most difficult task.

– Sri Chinmoy

Why it is good to avoid criticising others.

• When we criticise others, we often have the same fault in our own nature.
• Criticising others very rarely inspires them to change.
• Gossiping about others brings out the worst in ourself. It gives us a negative frame of mind
• Criticising others, gives us a sense of pride and superiority.
• We really value people who aren’t negative, but willing to look over our mistakes and see the good.

Theory is Fine, but, Is it Practical?

Theoretically, it is great, but, what about living the ideal?

Continue reading “Not Criticising Others – A Challenge”

It is a mistake to try and change others; real change can only come from within. When we seek to ‘change’ others we only meet with frustration. However, we can inspire others – lead by example. These are some practical ways to inspire others in a positive way.

Sincerity

Sincerity means we act with honesty and integrity. An insincere person is driven by the winds of social attitudes. A sincere person has faith in what he his doing and how he is living his life. We can unmistakeably notice the difference between a sincere person and an insincere person. If we do something we really believe in, it can’t help but inspire others.

Encourage Positive Qualities

Can we inspire others by pointing out their numerous faults? Of course not. Encouragement is the best way to inspire others to do the right thing and become the right person. Encouragement is infinitely more powerful than denigration.

Humility

This is to act without expectation of reward; It is to speak without trying to impress others. To lead and inspire others, we first have to be humble and able to follow ourself. If we always want to assert our superiority and strength we will fail to inspire others. See post on the power of humility

Be Happy.

Who are the people who inspire us? It is not those who are miserable and always complaining about the state of the world. We are inspired by those who brush aside difficulties and retain a cheerful attitude to the world. Happiness is infectious because it is something we all aspire for.

Continue reading “How To Inspire Others”

Our blog is about 10 months old so we thought it would be nice to offer a video post, so you can see who we are.

We made the video using my Macbook and Apple QuickTime Pro. It’s pretty basic quality, but, was relatively easy to make.

I hope you can hear us over the background noise.

Interesting Pieces of Information

Shane has been known to record 150 words per minute in conversation, but, we did manage to slow him down a little bit for this video 🙂

We recorded the video in Panorama Cafe, which is run by our friend Ketan Goldman.

BTW: As Shane mentioned, Ashrita Furman has broken quite a few records in this cafe. His most recent record was for eating the most garlic in one minute – you can see a humorous write up on Ashrita’s blog

Me and Shane are currently on a meditation retreat here in New York. (New York may not sound the most obvious of places for a meditation retreat, but, it does work!). Hopefully, whilst we are here, we may put together a video post so you can see who we actually are.

Recently, I wrote a piece on meditation for The Change Blog. It is based on my own experiences of meditation.

BTW: It was nice to see an article on meditation getting picked up by the Digg community.

Photo by Ranjit, Sri Chinmoy Centre

We all make mistakes, and if you’re sensitive you can feel pretty bad about them. It’s not a pleasant experience but we need to try and make the best of even difficult situations. When you make mistakes and your whole world turns upside down, these are some strategies to cope.

Don’t Be Burdened with Guilt.

In a previous post, we looked at how to avoid being overburdened with guilt. Guilt is not a helpful emotion, it just aggravates the feeling of despondency. We should also avoid being embarrassed. Just look at a few politicians; a few mistakes don’t stop them being pubic figures.

The art of Apology.

Some mistakes we can apologise for. We don’t need to lose self-respect, we need to just apologise calmly and sincerely. It requires a certain strength to apologise and admit mistakes, but, it is a necessary step to moving forward.

Don’t Dwell on Mistake Too much

The mind can magnify a relatively small mistake and make it feel of tremendous importance. Don’t keep going through the problem in your mind, wishing you had done things differently. If we think about problems too much it can give them an undeserved importance and we become overburdened with them.

Don’t Try to Justify It.

Sometimes we give a mistake too much importance and significance; but, at other times we try to ignore it or justify it to ourselves. When we try to justify a mistake and the mind tries to blame it on other people, this is not good. Making mistakes is not the end of the world, but, we do need to learn from them. If we just try to distort reality then we will not be able to learn and move forward from the mistake.

• Be careful, the mind can be very good at justifying wrong actions and mistakes, but, when we start doing this we will just continue to make future mistakes.

Continue reading “Dealing With Mistakes”

When we launch into the field of self improvement and spirituality, we tend to have lots of enthusiasm, inspiration and eagerness. But, this initial eagerness often wanes and we can find ourselves struggling for motivation and inspiration.

These are some practical ways to regain our motivation.

Spend Time With Those Who Are Motivated

We are easily influenced by people around us. If we spend time with motivated and focused people, their energy will imperceptibly rub off on us. If we want to improve our running, we need to seek the company of other runners. If we want to maintain a regular meditation practice we should meditate with others once a week. When we see others making progress, we feel that we too can make the same progress. There is a saying ‘Birds of a feather flock together’ If we spend time with like minded people they will definitely inspire and motivate ourselves.

Remember Our Early Enthusiasm

If we have been practising something for several years, it can become routine. What we need to do is remember our initial enthusiasm. Remember what is was like to discover the simple act of meditation. It is also helpful to keep a journal of memorable experiences. Remembering these good experiences will help them to feel more real in the present moment. The problem is that we can soon forget the good experiences, but, focus on present difficulties. We may need to use our imagination to remember past experiences, but, in imagination we help make it become a reality again.

Teaching Others.

I have been practising meditation for 10  years and I find one of the best ways to maintain motivation for meditation is just talking about meditation to other people. When giving meditation classes, I don’t know how much others get from it, but, I know it’s good for me! I guess the important thing is that it reminds you of the essentials. Also by meeting beginners you gain some of their new interest and enthusiasm

Keep Life Simple.

In our modern life, we are very good at adding unnecessary complications. The problem is that there are so many different things to distract and pull our attention away. The more distractions we face, the more difficult it is to remain motivated, especially when it is our own practice of meditation / self improvement.

The most worthwhile things in life require patience, persistence and quiet determination. Self improvement is a life long process, it is not about instant self gratification. The problem comes when our attention becomes absorbed in innumerable outer activities – watching TV, focusing on work, reading newspapers. These activities don’t give any great inspiration, but, they are easy to do. What happens is that if our energies are dissipated on these passive activities our inner drive and motivation starts to fade. We cannot be a jack of all trades and master of everything. To maintain motivation for challenging activities, we need to retain a focus and be able to limit the distractions which try to pull us away.

Continue reading “Regaining Lost Inspiration”