Author: tejvan

10 Tips for Effective Conversation

great ginty I wish conversations skills were taught at school. We spend most of our life talking, and yet many people remain in the dark on this essential life skill. There are many suggestions for developing conversation skills, but, the most important is a sensitivity to the other person. We need to be able to adapt our conversation to whoever we speak with. We need to develop the right balance between talking and bringing out the best in the other person. If we can avoid being egotistical and consider the interests of others they will instinctively enjoy talking with us. If we offer boring conversation, we will only attract boring people to speak with.

Some Tips for Effective Conversation:

1. Avoiding Unnecessary Detail.

Suppose you are a cyclist and a non cyclist asks you about your new bike. What they are wanting is a brief description – like what colour is it? how much does it weigh? how much did it cost? did it come with free sachets of EPO? In all probability they are not interested in your bike at all, but, are asking out of politeness. Therefore, don’t bother them with detail they do not understand and don’t care for. The 674 gram, 20 gear Shimano Dura Ace STI groupset may be fascinating to you; but, it means nothing to the non cyclist. If you go on about the technical detail it will only bore the other person senseless. If you really feel you have to share the latest Shimano groupset mechanism, at least, find another cyclist. When we talk in great detail about our hobby / work / speciality we feel we are very knowledgeable – that is true, we are very knowledgeable, but, it makes for very boring conversation. Don’t show off with technical knowledge, be considerate of the other person.

2. Communication is a 50 – 50 process.

One of the biggest mistakes is to dominate a conversation and not give the other person a chance to speak. Remember the difference between a conversation and a lecture. If you find yourself dominating 70-80% of conversations you should think very carefully about whether you are not just boring other people. A very effective way to improve conversation skills is to ask yourself – Would I want to speak to myself? i.e. how would you feel if you came up against another person who always wants to have the last word and dominate the conversation? Unfortunately, those who love to dominate the conversation often seem the least likely to engage in critical self inquiry. Avoid the monologue, unless you are very witty or very interesting.

“It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.”

– Yogi Berra

3. Smile

Smiling is a simple but effective strategy to improve any conversation. This helps put the other person at ease; it is a clear signal that you are happy to be speaking with the other person. Smiling also helps ourselves; smiling gives us self confidence and helps put us in the right frame of mind. I would say it is better to force a smile than remain glum and miserable.

4. Avoid Strong Political / Religious views

To impose strong political / religious views is one of the biggest conversation killers. If it is not necessary to state political views and religious views then avoid doing it. Also be sensitive to the opinions of other people, if you know someone has strong opinions on controversial topics avoid challenging them and bringing a divisive element to the conversation; look for topics of shared interest. You are not going to change their long cherished belief’s so at best it will be a futile gesture; at worst they will be upset and avoid future conversations.

5. Criticise by asking questions

Take a tip from great thinkers like Benjamin Franklin and Socrates. Don’t criticise directly. Merely ask questions, which sow seeds of doubt in the mind of the other person. This is a much more effective than directly criticising. With this method you can criticise without causing any offence.

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The Difference between False Happiness and Real Happiness

mt rainer

It seems we are all striving for happiness; but, what do we actually mean by happiness? There is a big difference between a fleeting pleasure and an inner happiness independent of external events. These characteristics help to differentiate between real happiness and false happiness.

Peace and Happiness:

Real happiness brings inner peace. When we are sincerely happy we are at peace with the world and with our self.
A false happiness will be accompanied by insecurities, doubts and worries. We think our happiness could easily be spoilt by external events. To cultivate  happiness based on an inner peace it is necessary to be detached from the worries of the mind. We should not have a feeling of indispensability, but a calm acceptance of external events.

He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home.

– Johann von Goethe

Pride.

A false happiness comes from a feeling of superiority. We feel that happiness depends on proving to the world that we are better or more indispensable than other people. A close relative of pride is jealousy of others whom we can not surpass. Real happiness takes joy in the achievement of others; in real happiness there is no feeling of inferiority and superiority, but only a sense of oneness. If you are constantly judging yourself against others, real happiness will remain elusive. If you can gain joy from others success, you have discovered a secret of real happiness.

Praise vs Detachment

If we are praised to the sky we are in the seventh heaven of delight; when we are mercilessly criticised we feel in the depths of hell. Relying on the praise of others can, at best, only give a fleeting happiness. Permanent happiness comes only when we maintain a sense of self esteem which is detached from the volatile opinions of the world.

To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one’s own in the midst of abundance.

– Buddha
Success vs Self Transcendence.

Success gives us a temporary feeling of euphoria; we have fulfilled our desires and now we can be happy. But, the joy of success is temporary and short lived. No success is permanent, and often we are often left with a desire for an even bigger and better success. Self transcendence is the ongoing process of self development and self improvement. The happiness of self improvement is not in achieving, but in the process of aiming for a better life. The joy of self transcendence is not confined to the odd victory, but, is the permanent journey of self discovery.

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Back from Holiday and Being Peace

sunset

I have just returned from a two week holiday in first, Yorkshire and secondly New York. We will be publishing more articles in the forthcoming weeks.

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Meditation News

Scientists at the University of Oxford have undertaken tests showing that meditation can have a measurable impact upon the brain. BBC meditation link

Professor Mark Williams, from the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Oxford undertook research on a group of people who practise meditation for 8 weeks. He said the course involved:

“It teaches a way of looking at problems, observing them clearly but not necessarily trying to fix them or solve them.

“It suggests to people that they begin to see all their thoughts as just thoughts, whether they are positive, negative or neutral.”

Although it is difficult to study the scientific evidence of meditation (many other variables could cause changes in mental outlook) it is not the first study to show a positive link.

Picture by: Nabik Daniel Hunt Continue reading “Back from Holiday and Being Peace”

Effective Strategies for Developing Will Power

red-tulip

“Man can accept his fate, he can refuse.”

– Sri Aurobindo.

Will Power is the capacity to do what we instinctively want to achieve. Will-power is the force which enables us to overcome lethargy, temptation and weakness. What will-power can do is unimaginable; it can illumine our weaknesses and enable us to lead the life we want to live.

Some people seem to have tremendous will-power, others think that will power is not within them. However, there is no reason why anyone cannot achieve greater will power. These are some tips for developing Will-Power:

Don’t Procrastinate

Procrastination is a powerful way to weaken our will-power. When we have the enthusiasm and determination to achieve something, we should act on our initiative and inner motivation. If we hesitate, we allow doubt to creep in; if we wait for more favourable outer circumstances to achieve something we will never succeed. Will-power doesn’t depend on favourable outer circumstances. When we have an inspiration to aim for something we should follow through with our inspiration and cultivate our will power. The best time to act is now. (see: How to Avoid Procrastination)

Never Give Up.

Will-power doesn’t mean we have to achieve our targets at their first attempt. Will-power is closely linked to perseverance. Will-power is the willingness and enthusiasm to remain unaffected by setbacks and difficulties. If we can persevere, even amidst set backs, we will strengthen and grow our will power. Adversity is a powerful motivation for encouraging stronger will-power. An easy life will do little to grow our will power; but, a readiness to face life’s challenges is the beginning of creating real will-power.

“I do not give up, I never give up – for there is nothing in this entire world that is irrevocably unchangeable.”

– Sri Chinmoy

Be Clear on what you want to achieve.

“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.”

– Henry Ford

If we are confused and uncertain about we what we actually want, it will be impossible to harness the power of our indomitable will-power. If we have a very clear focus and target it becomes easier to focus our energies on achieving our targets. If we are very clear what we want, it becomes instinctive to focus our energies and capacities on achieving it. For example, if you are trying to break a bad habit make sure you are 100% committed to changing; if part of you still subconsciously harkens after the bad habit, your focus will be split and you will not be able to generate the necessary will-power.

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7 Simple Ways to Get On With other People

swarm

Maintaining good relationships with other people is something everyone struggles with. The nature of the human mind is that there seem innumerable factors that make it difficult to get on with other people. If you find yourself with many problematic relationships don’t despair, but, try to work through difficulties and learn the art of developing genuine friendships. These are some of the simplest ways to improve relationship with other people.

Smile

When we smile we are effectively offering good will to the other person. A sincere smile can say more than 100 words. When we smile we are effectively saying that we are happy to see the other person; this is the best way to start any conversation. If we give a miserable face then we are outwardly indicating that we are unhappy to be speaking with this person. We convey alot through our body signals; within a moment the expression on someone’s face can put is in a good mood or bad mood. When we cultivate a positive first impression then any problem will be easier to solve. We can smile at everyone, not just people who we like. If we can smile, even at our ‘enemies’ then we may be surprised at how much our interactions are improved.

Appreciate Their Good Qualities

This is a powerful way to help any relationship. In life we tend to get drawn to the negative. When we appreciate the good qualities of other people, we do two things. Firstly, we will make the other person feel better; it will encourage and inspire them to bring more good qualities to the fore. Through offering sincere appreciation we boost their self confidence and they will appreciate our kind words. The other benefit of appreciating others good qualities is that it helps us. It is usually people’s mistakes and wrong-doings that stick in the mind. When we take the effort to appreciate other’s good qualities we build up a more positive impression of our friend; it enables us to be more tolerant of their irritating habits.

Don’t Bear Grudges

This is one of the most important and perhaps difficult factors. At some point in a relationship something invariably happens which makes it difficult to forget and forgive their misdemeanors. This is one factor that can escalate and dominate a relationship so much that it sours. To let go of grudges is essential for maintaining healthy relationships. If we attach ourselves to a long standing grievance we will just make ourselves miserable.
Talk

When problems occur or we have issues with other people, it is important to talk in a positive way. Sometimes we don’t even need to talk about the problem, but just converse on a topic that helps rebuild trust. If we maintain a frosty silence, then we just brood on the problem and it tends to magnify the issue; the mind can easily blow it out of proportion. When we talk we regain contact with reality; we see that we have more in common than the problem which now seems less significant. The important thing is to avoid bringing up the issue in a confrontational way. It is better just to develop a normal conversation and find issues of shared interest. Sometimes if we can just share a humorous antidote or enjoy something together, the problem just dissipates of its own accord.

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Meditation and Compassion

Daffodils

A new study shows that meditation can help bring forward the quality of compassion. – Meditate on this.

I think the reason meditation brings forward the quality of compassion is that when we meditate we transcend the mind. The mind is by nature critical; it thinks of things to judge and criticise. When we meditate we quieten the critical mind and bring to the fore the inner qualities of the heart. In meditation we also expand our sense of self. We do not just identify with our ego, but feel a greater sense of oneness with other people.

We have written a few posts on meditation including

Other Recommended Links

  • Alex Shalman shares his experiences of practising meditation in – The Monk’s way to inner peace. As Alex suggests, meditation is not always easy but, if you create a regular discipline it becomes more natural as you progress.
  • Albert from Urban monk shares a thoughtful contribution on Love and Aloneness It is strange that we can spend so much time with other people, and yet still feel a sense of loneliness. It is often the ego that creates barriers and a sense of separation; it is this that really creates a sense of loneliness. It reminded me of a post by Shane on the difference between love and emotional attachment
  • Another article I liked very much recently is How To Find Your True purpose by Todd at We The Change. I think it asks very thoughtful questions and doesn’t overcomplicate the essential process of self inquiry and self discovery.
  • Sumangali wrote a good post – 7 Surprising things that are good for your health. – good news for chocolate lovers!

Thanks

Thanks to all our commentators, especially Chris Cade of Spiritual Short Stories, whose comment on The Art of Forgiveness was worthy of a post by itself.

Random Links

If you are looking for a really good laugh, I can highly recommend this British film classic staring Peter Sellers and a plethora of stars. – The Wrong Arm of the Law had me laughing all the way through.

Photo by: Tejvan, Oxford Botanic Gardens

The Art of Forgiveness

primrose hill

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.

– Paul Boese.

Forgiveness is a powerful way of moving on from unfortunate experiences; it is a way of illumining a darkened past. Without forgiveness we dwell on the negative attitudes of other people and the limitations of our own self. True, it is easier to talk about forgiveness than actually do it; but, if we can forgive, it is a powerful way to let go of negative experiences and make a fresh start.

Why We Need to Forgive

Hatred makes us feel miserable.

If we are unable to forgive and forget the misdeeds of others we will carry a heavy burden around ourselves. It may have some justifications, but, hating others means that we will make our own lives difficult. When we concentrate on the bad action of others, we give too much importance to these negative qualities and invariably they become part of our mindset.

We cannot live in the past forever

Forgiveness is a way to move forward. If we are unable to forgive we will always be thinking of the past. By thinking of past blunders we will not gain illumination. Forgiveness means we allow a new chapter to be written and prevent the old mistakes and difficulties being repeated.

Mistakes are inevitable

We cannot expect ourselves or other people to be perfect. Mistakes are an inevitable part of life. Even if people are trying to do their best, they may often behave with the wrong motives and actions. If we expect anything near perfection from others, then we will always be disappointed. To be forgiving means to be flexible, tolerant and accommodating.

To err is human.
But be careful,
Do not over do it.
If to forgive is divine,
Then rest assured,
You can never over do it.

– Sri Chinmoy

A person is more than certain actions

Often our judgement of a person depends on a particular action of theirs. When someone does something wrong, we inwardly label them as a bad person.This is a mistake; someone may have unfortunate habits or bad actions, but, this is only one aspect of that person. We would not want ourself to be judged on all our mistakes; we have done wrong things, but we know this is not the sum of our person. Forgiveness means we are able to separate a person from a bad action. We are not condoning the bad thing they do; it just means we acknowledge that anybody who does wrong things also has the capacity to do good things as well. Somebody may tell a lie, but that does not mean we have to think only of them as a bad person.
Continue reading “The Art of Forgiveness”

How To Turn Your Life Around.

golden boat

If you have the feeling your life is not going anywhere, there is no reason to despair and feel sorry for yourself. If we have the capacity to go in the wrong direction, we also have the capacity to go in the right direction. These are a few simple ideas that can make a big difference to the future direction of your life.

1. Look forward not Backwards

When we think of the past and what happened, we invariably remember bad experiences. It is important to be able to move forward and look to the future. The past has not given us satisfaction so we have to think of the past as dust. It is only through looking forward and living in the present moment that we can bring real satisfaction into our lives.

2. Avoid Guilt

To be overwhelmed with guilt is to place a heavy chain around our neck. Holding onto guilt and feelings of unworthiness will not help us in anyway to become a better person. We need to learn from experiences; if we have made mistakes we can resolve to avoid repeating them. But, if we allow ourselves to be burdened with guilt it often becomes harder to throw off the unfortunate experience and move on. Forgiveness is a great virtue, and we need to start with forgiveness of our self. Forgiveness means we can wipe the slate clean and aspire for a new start.

3. Hope.

If we have no hope, no aspiration for a better experience, we are already doomed. Hope is the belief and faith that things will improve. Our hope may be quite weak, but unless we can anticipate a better future, it is hard to make it happen. Hope requires self belief and a willingness to suspend the pessimistic worries of our mind. Hope is a dream of a better future.

4. Make A list of Positive Things

It is easy to be overwhelmed by negative experiences. We can easily find many reasons to be dissatisfied or angry with the world. The nature of media and the internet is often to highlight problems, mistakes and bad things. If you find yourself overwhelmed with negativity try writing a list of positive, inspiring things. Find reasons to be optimistic and cheerful. Life is a question of balance; scepticism has its role to play, but we have to also be able to appreciate the good things in life. If we surround ourselves with just negativity we will develop a negative attitude ourselves.

5. Can you Turn bad Experiences around?

If things don’t go as planned, does your world come to an end? The problem is that if we strongly desire and expect a certain outcome, we become frustrated when it doesn’t occur. To get the most out of life we need to be flexible and willing to adapt. Happiness should not depend on events occurring as we want because they never will. Whatever happens in the outer world, we have to remember it is our inner attitude which is important. When we encounter testing experiences, don’t be despondent and feel sorry for ourselves, consider how we can turn this around.

Continue reading “How To Turn Your Life Around.”

Dealing with Worries and other Links

temple

Photo by: Kedar of Life Voices – a blog of the extraordinary in everyday life
I recently wrote an article for Pick the Brain. How to deal with anxiety

One article from the archive Practical tips to increase concentration

Some recent links that caught my eye.

How To Get Up Early in the Morning

sunrise-320

To get up early in the morning is a real boon. Nearly everybody would appreciate more time; after all, most things are more useful than sleeping. However, to get up early in the morning is not always easy especially if we are used to lying in. As as a student I got into the habit of sleeping in, waking up and then going back to snooze for ‘just’ another half an hour. However, that the extra half an hour doesn’t give you any more energy; it can even make you feel more lethargic.

If we are determined to get up early we can consider the following tips:

1. Set the alarm at a regular time each day.

The body is a creature of habit, if we develop the routine of getting up at a certain time, then it becomes easier and more natural to wake up at our target time. If we are not used to waking up early it may be a shock to the system; however, it is important to persevere and continue getting up at this time – even at the Weekends. By getting up at the same time each day it helps to set the body clock. If we are lucky there may come a time when we spontaneously wake up early.

2. Be Careful with the Snooze button.

It is better to set the alarm and get up at that time. If we keep pressing the snooze button it becomes difficult to get up. When we lie in bed, hoping to get an extra 10 minutes rest, we are not actually sleeping. The longer we doze, the more difficult it becomes to get up. One trick is to put the alarm clock at the far end of the room. This means to turn it off you actually have to get out of bed – don’t make it easy to go back to sleep.

3. Be Motivated to get up.

The key to getting up early in the morning is our desire to get up early. If we are really motivated to wake up at a certain time, we will not let the mind create excuses for going back to sleep. It is worth making a list of things we can do early in the morning. Early morning can be productive because the environment of the house is usually a bit quieter. Whatever your personal list maybe, it’s probably better than sleeping in. If we really value the benefits of getting up early we will make it happen.

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