Category: life

The flower gives nectar. The bee gives pollination.

The bee receives nectar. The flower receives pollination

Independent
Nobody is –
We just fool ourselves.

– Sri Chinmoy [1. Sri Chinmoy, Seventy Seven Thousand Service Trees #40,823]

Some people find it easy to give, but very difficult to receive; they feel they should remain aloof and independent.

Some find it difficult to give because they worry they will be worse off or gain no benefit.

For example, some people may be willing to offer support to friends, but when they are in difficulty they will feel they shouldn’t bother other people and refuse any support or help.

It is good to be in a position to give; but if we don’t allow ourselves to also receive, we can’t complete the circle. We deny others the opportunity to get joy from giving. We consciously deny ourselves the opportunity to get what we are happy to give others.

Giving is an opportunity to transcend selfish motives and feelings. But receiving is also an opportunity to transcend our pride and ego. Often we refuse to accept support from others out of a sense of personal pride. It may arise from a subtle sense of superiority. When we give, we may feel, perhaps unconsciously, that we are superior to the person who we are giving to. But, if we feel superior about giving, then we will also feel inferior when receiving. That is why we only want to be in the position of giving.

“Gracious acceptance is an art – an art which
most never bother to cultivate. We think that we have
to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting
things, which can be much harder than giving…
Accepting another person’s gift is allowing
to express his feelings for you.”

– Alexander McCall Smith

However, when we learn to both give and receive with equanimity, we will feel neither superior or inferior. We will get joy from both.

“Before giving, the mind of the giver is happy; while giving, the mind of the giver is made peaceful; and having given, the mind of the giver is uplifted.”

-Buddha

Don’t Keep Count

Another mistake is to think life is like a weighing scale. If we give 10 units to person A, we shouldn’t wait expecting 10 units in return. It is best to just give and receive in accordance with necessity and follow your heart’s prompting. If your giving and receiving is calculated like a weighing scale, you will lose all spontaneity and joy from the process.

Receiving and Dependency

There is a big difference between receiving genuine support and becoming dependent on the efforts of others. If we are in a difficult position, we should happily receive from others, but we should not abuse this help and become a drain on the other person’s good will.

It is the same with giving. Often when we give love, support and aid to others it can help. But, we shouldn’t be giving without discrimination. We have to keep asking ourselves is this actually helping the other person? If we give support which encourages them to have better self-esteem and self-confidence, then we are facilitating them to solve their own problems. But, if we just give sympathy and try to solve their problems for them, we may not be helping them to learn what they need to know. There is no right answer for how to help others. But, we should be careful of our motives in giving to others.

Beauty of Giving and Receiving.

As John Donne said ‘no man is an island’. When we give and receive unconditionally we remember our extended consciousness our inseperable link with other people. There is a beauty to giving and receiving.

“Beauty is in giving. Beauty is in receiving. Beauty is in giving and giving alone. Beauty is in receiving and receiving alone. When I give, I see that before I have given anything, Heaven is already smiling through my offering, my self-giving. When I receive, I see that earth is smiling in and through me.”

– Sri Chinmoy [1. Sri Chinmoy, Fifty Freedom-Boats To One Golden Shore, Part 4, Agni Press, 1974. ]

Related

• Scarcity and Giving

photo: Tejvan

There is an oft-repeated saying – Is the glass half-full or half-empty? It is a key issue in life – how do we perceive a situation? Give two people the same situation and their perspective / reaction may be very different. All through life we have a choice on what to see and what to choose. This is an attempt to consider how we can see things from a different perspective.

If a negative thought
Claims you as its victim,
Can you not immediately take shelter
In the embrace
Of a positive thought?

– Sri Chinmoy [1. Sri Chinmoy, Twenty-Seven Thousand Aspiration-Plants, Part 63, Agni Press, 1984.]

Maybe you’re not right.

It is human nature to think we are right and other people are wrong. This battle to be ‘right’ takes up much of our mental time and energy. Sometimes we will try very hard to prove we really are in the right. However, rather than just automatically assume we are right, we could look at the issue from another point of view. Maybe, it is we who are wrong. Even entertaining this idea involves a degree of humility. From their perspective and their world view, they probably consider that they are doing the ‘right’ thing. If we can have empathy that they are trying to do the right thing in their own way, it makes us more tolerant, more understanding. Sometimes it’s not about being ‘right’ but approaching the situation in the best way.

A teenager may think the right thing is to explore the world and have the freedom to make choices about life. A parent may feel the ‘right’ thing to do is to protect their children from unnecessary dangers. In a way, neither perspective is ‘wrong’ But, if we can understand where the other person is coming from it can help a good deal.

Guilt vs Learning Process

We often allow guilt to dominate our mind. We make a mistake and we then carry a heavy burden of guilt around. We feel bad, but we cannot undo what has happened in the past. Another perspective is to see mistakes as inevitable; we learn what we need to and strive not to make the mistake again. This is the positive approach, rather than focusing on what we’ve done wrong, we focus on what we are going to do right.

This doesn’t make us callous to our own wrong doing. It is just a way to concentrate on the positive rather than unnecessarily dragging ourselves down. If we hold onto guilt, saying I’m bad, I’m bad – it hardly helps us to do the right thing.

It is a question of perspective, do we feel bad for what we did in the past, or do we feel hopeful for how we will turn our life around?

Victim vs Non-Victim

It is easy to feel the victim – a victim of circumstances a victim of other peoples words and actions. However, rather than seeing ourselves as a victim, we need to remember we can always choose how we respond to situations. Then we empower ourselves; we can learn to reject negative words and ideas. We can remember our real self and ignore a mistaken identity others would try to impose on us. Then we no longer feel like a victim, instead we see difficult situations as an opportunity to have faith in ourselves.

Related

• Keeping things in perspective
• Why Life feels difficult and what to do about it

Why is it two people can say very similar things, but one comes across as much more appealing than another person? Instinctively we warm to the light touch, we struggle when things get ‘heavy’. This may sound quite vague, but some people and situations give a vibration of ‘heaviness’. A ‘heavy’ vibration comes when we are very serious, intense, judgemental, fearful, anxious and tense.

A ‘light’ vibrations comes when there is a feeling of friendliness, non-judgemental, calm and maintain a sense of humour and perspective. When we live in the moment, there is a natural spontaneity which gives a feeling of lightness and joy.

Non-Judgemental

When we are very judgemental, it creates a ‘heavy’ atmosphere. The other person feels guilty or defensive; there is a feeling of superiority or inferiority. If we avoid judgement, the mood is lighter. When there is a feeling of superiority or inferiority there is tension because people become defensive or seek to justify their position.

Do not judge,
But love and be loved,
If you want to be really happy.

Smile vs Non Smile

As I write this in airport lounge, I see a young child with a T-Shirt saying ‘Smiling is Really easy’ – it certainly made me smile. To grimace as you say something makes the atmosphere ‘heavy’. If you smile, you can convey so much (you could say get away with so much more). It is almost an unspoken signal to say – “I’m on your side. I like you, whatever I’m actually saying” It is worth bearing in mind that an email conveys non of this human emotion and human signals. It is very difficult to make emails light; they can easily be misunderstood. If you need to get a delicate point across do it in person.

• The easiest way to lighten a heavy situation, is just to smile and make people laugh.

Acceptance

“Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong.”

– Lao Tsu, Tao Te Ching

Similar to the concept of non-judgemental is the ability to accept people and situations as they are. Acceptance enables us to go with the flow, rather than fighting against the tide, we accept the situation as it is.

Humility

The easiest way to lighten up a situation is to not take ourselves too seriously. Don’t think we alone have all the right answers. Be willing to satirise ourselves and make light of what we say. Rather than being forceful and trying to change people, let them make their own choices and work out best course of action. If we have a feeling of indispensability then we will create a heavy atmosphere, if we are sincerely humble, it will be much more harmonious.

Avoiding Conflict

Sometimes, we can face a challenge in a confrontational way. Perhaps someone suggests an idea, which we don’t like. We could respond by very vigorously saying why they are wrong and why it won’t work. Needless to say this is a ‘heavy’ response. In most situations, this is not necessary. Rather than meet the situation head on we can say. ‘Very good, let’s see what you can make of it.’ – people often suggest impractical ideas. There’s no need to tell them, just let them work it out for themselves it doesn’t work.

If it really could create problems, you could suggest things like

• ‘it has some good ideas, but I wonder how Mr X would respond?’
• Perhaps you could consider this.

Silence before you speak.

We have to trust our inner wisdom. If we say the first thing that comes into our mind, we may soon regret it, and once said we can’t take it back. If we give chance to consider an appropriate response we will feel in our heart what sounds a good way to proceed. If we think, speak and act from this inner source of wisdom then we will be more in tune with a harmonious action.

Giving Rather than taking

Don’t look at every person and situation to see what you can get from it. Give what you would like to receive yourself. The power of giving

Simplicity

Don’t complicate things, keep it simple. Don’t always be trying to justify things or create added complications. Simplicity has a great beauty and power. Tips for simplicity.

Related

• Peace in the modern world

photo: Tejvan

Each thought
Is the creator
Of a new experience.

Imagine if whatever you thought became a reality instantaneously?

• if you thought of tremendous wealth, you would have it straight away.
• If you thought of conflict with another person, the conflict would happen immediately.
• If you thought of enjoying a beautiful garden, you could be instantly transported to enjoy its beauty and fragrance.
• If you worried about getting a fatal illness, the illness would appear immediately.
• If we thought of heaven, we went to heaven.
• If we thought of hell, we would go straight to hell.

One thing is certain, if our thought immediately created, we would be very careful what thoughts we allowed into our mind.

Self-Fulfilling Thoughts.

Thoughts may not instantly create a reality. But, if we persistently dwell on certain train of thoughts, they do lead to some kind of related experience. If we constantly cherish negative thoughts, this will create some negative experience. If we constantly worry, we will draw this experience to us. If we, however,

Thoughts Do Create

Thought is the bridge between heaven and hell. With our thoughts we really can create heaven or hell. When we are angry, fearful, resentful, is this not our own personal hell? If we hold only beautiful, inspiring and kind thoughts our life is enjoyable. Thoughts do create our experience.

If we have thoughts that ‘we don’t have enough’. Then immediately, we are creating that feeling of not having enough. If we have a thought of inadequacy, that is our present reality. If a millionaire is constantly thinking he needs money, that is his reality – he doesn’t have enough money. If an ordinary person is content with what he has, then that is immediately his reality. Here it is not how much money we have, but what we are thinking of. We can be materially rich, but think we need more. We can be materially poor, but feel we just have enough.

Behind Thought.

Thought is very powerful, more powerful than we realise. But, there is more to our self than thoughts that come across our mind. If we can silence our thought, we can get in touch with our deeper self, our soul. If we can move away from the mind to the heart, then we can allow the power of silence to create a more peaceful experience.

Related

• Irrational thinking – and how to overcome it.

photo, Sri Chinmoy Centre Gallery

There are many different ways to respond to the same situation. Often it is easy to consider ourselves as a victim – a victim of circumstances, a victim of other people, a victim of events. The alternative is to see not ourselves as a victim, but look upon life as a series of experiences. These are a few practical examples of how to look at the world in another light.

Criticism

Often we feel a victim when criticised. Why was person X unpleasant to us?  Why have I been mercilessly criticised for no fault of my own?

There will always be people who say unkind things, but we don’t have to take it to heart. Rather than feel a victim, we can feel that they are just mistaken; and their words can not hurt our real self at all. If we can respond with forgiveness and detachment, we will be happy that we can rise above unkind words.

This might seem easier in theory than practise, but on a practical level, we should be very clear in our mind that this criticism is not warranted. Imagine the words and then cross them out; you could even try writing the negative thoughts down and then cross them out!

If we feel unfairly criticised, take the time to encourage some positive ideas about yourself. If people say you are incompetent, remember all the good things you have done.

It is then a choice, do we take their ill-chosen words and incorrect views to heart? or do we take it as an opportunity to remember who we really are? If we can hold onto a positive (and true) view about ourselves we won’t feel a victim. If anything the person who spreads gossip is the loser; negativity eventually will return to its source.

Why is it Always Me?

Another idea we may frequently feel, is why does it always happen to me? Why do I always have to do the difficult / unpleasant things.

For example, if we feel that it is always us who is cleaning up, there are two things to ask yourself.

1) Am I actually choosing to be the one who always cleans-up? Sometimes, we don’t like doing something, but when someone comes along to offer help, we reject it. Or perhaps someone would be happy to help if we ask, but we never get round to it. We may lack confidence to ask, or we may actually (unconsciously) like to play the role of martyr. There is part of us, who actually likes complaining to ourselves that WE have to be the one to do the hard work. You can think of this as an underlying thought. We don’t like always being the one to do the dirty work, but subconsciously we are actually choosing it.

…But who sincerely wants the elimination of suffering? We are all acting like camels. The camel eats cactus thorns until its mouth bleeds; then it goes and again eats thorns. In some way, consciously or unconsciously, the camel cherishes thorns. We human beings also cherish suffering, unconsciously or consciously. As long as we cherish suffering, there will always remain suffering on earth.

– Sri Chinmoy [1. Sri Chinmoy, A God-Lover’s Earth-Heaven-Life, Part 1, Agni Press, 1974. ]

On a practical level, visualise someone coming to help. Visualise asking your friends who are then glad to help. Make it clear to others what you are happy to do, but you would like others to also participate. Don’t feel guilty in asking, and don’t make people feel guilty for not guessing you needed help. Put it in a positive light.
“I would be very grateful, if you could help a little…”

When you put it like that, you appeal to people’s good nature and they may well do more than you ask. Sometimes  all you really need to do is to ask!

2) Why not just enjoy doing the cleaning? If the above fails, there is another option. If we have to be the one who cleans up, why not just be happy for the opportunity to clean up? Sometimes we can clean and be really happy; it’s a nice simple job with satisfaction of creating a more beautiful environment. Alternatively, we can clean but spend all the time grumble that we have to do it. We really may have no choice to clean. But, we do have a choice whether to do it willingly and cheerfully or with ill-feeling.

The problem is you may be really determined not want to enjoy the cleaning. Part of you thinks it’s not unfair that I have to do that, and so because it’s unfair I’m going to be unhappy and let everyone else know too.

But, another way of looking at it is – it may be unfair, but that’s not a reason to make myself unhappy. If I can be happy doing this, it will make me stronger.

What ever we find ourselves doing it, try to be happy from the experience. Don’t make yourself feel miserable because there is a feeling of injustice.

Bad Luck

Everyone has bad luck and bad breaks. Some don’t give up at the first time. Just think of a famous person like Abraham Lincoln – not the most attractive person, he suffered a raft of bad luck, however, he never let his bad luck stop him. He just kept trying until he succeeded.

Related

• How To Stop Negative Thoughts
• How to create a better life

• Happiness Will Follow You – at Amazon.com – hardback $17.95
• Happiness will Follow You – Kindle edition – $6.99

Amazon UK

• Happiness Will Follow You Amazon.co.uk  – £10.95 hardback – £5.95 kindle.

I selected some of the best articles from this blog and put them in to a book, which has now been published.

It is a very nice hardback edition and makes a great gift or book to dip into.

It is also available as a Kindle download to read on your e-book reader.

I also added a few stories by Sri Chinmoy on the theme of self-improvement.

I hope you enjoy!

Quite often we feel that what we experience and see is something that happens to us. This experience depends on other people and the rest of the world. But, we have a habit of seeing what we want to see. If we want to see conflict we can see it in any aspect of life. If we want to see beauty we can also see that.

As soon as we wake up, we start creating our view of life. If you could start your day once more, what would you like to see.

Be Conscious From When you wake up.

What is the first thought you have on waking up? If you had one seed thought for the whole day what would it be? Would it be worrying about getting to work on time, what to have for dinner in the evening? Why not choose a thought which you will inspire you for the rest of the day. At least, make it positive.

Positive Image.

In my room, I try to keep flowers, I also keep a picture of my spiritual teacher, Sri Chinmoy. These are the things which inspire me most. When waking up, I look at these first. It is simple act, but it shows that we can choose to keep around us the positive and beautiful. From this we will get inspiration and keep in a positive frame of mind.

Give to Others What You would like to Receive yourself.

If you would like to receive joy and happiness in life, try giving it to others. What we give is what we will receive. If we offer forgiveness to others, you will be able to receive forgiveness for ourselves. If we are critical towards others, we will feel judgemental about ourselves.

If your life does not give joy
To others,
Then how can you expect
Your heart to give any joy
To you?

– Sri Chinmoy [1. Sri Chinmoy, Ten Thousand Flower-Flames, Part 66, Agni Press, 1983.]

Stop – Do you Really want to Focus on That?

Invariably, our day will be spoiled by some unwelcome negative thoughts. If left unchecked these can take us on a negative spiral. We have to stop these thoughts and be clear this is not what we want to see.

Good Qualities

No one is perfect, there will always be things that have the capacity to annoy us. But, we have to be unaffected by this. If someone is annoying us, then we have to try another way of looking at things. Let it go, choose to see the good in them.

From now on,
I shall see
Only the good
In all human beings.

– Sri Chinmoy [2. Sri Chinmoy, My Christmas-New Year-Vacation Aspiration-Prayers, Part 49, Agni Press, 2006.]

Feel Thoughts will come trues Immediately.

Just imagine that whatever you thought or wished became reality immediately. If you imagine inwardly arguing with someone, feel this would occur. If you feel thoughts would come true immediately, you would be very careful what you wished for.

Underlying Thoughts

To really see what we want to see, don’t forget to be scrupulously sincere and honest. Sometimes, we have an underlying thought or desire for something. Perhaps part of us gets a subtle sense of joy from conflict. Part of us has this injured pride when bad things happen. Ironically, part of us holds onto this. We may not even be aware that we are holding on to this unfortunate experience. Be careful of your underlying thoughts and impressions.

Take Time to be Grateful

Heaven on earth doesn’t have to be just a dream. If we are in the right consciousness, the simplest thing can give us so much joy. If we can be grateful for these good things, it will definitely help us to see and appreciate the good in the world.

Related

• How to create a better life
• How to avoid negativity

As a profession I teach Economics. The first lesson of economics is the concept of scarcity. Because we have scarcity we have to decide how to distribute these limited resources. If you gain some goods, that means less for me. This law of economics we can also feel in all aspects of life.

However, from a spiritual perspective this law is completely misleading. When we give wholeheartedly and with sincerity, we  enable ourselves to have more. If we offer good will to others, if we can give others joy, then this is the best way of being joyful ourselves.

Anything we do for the world
Is bound to be returned
Infinitely more.

– Sri Chinmoy [1. Fifty Freedom Boats part 4]

If we think there is only a limited amount of love, we will try and possess it; we will love another, but in a limited and possessive way. With this conception of love, we will always fear losing it; we will fear that our limited love could easily escape. However, if we love unconditionally, if we love everyone we meet, we come to appreciate that it is natural to be loving all the time. To love others, we have to have love for ourselves. This is not an egotistical love; it is a recognition of our divine essence, our real Self. If we feel love and joy to be scarce commodities we will try and ration it and grasp onto it when we see. But, when we learn to give unconditionally, we gain more of what we give. As St Francis of Assisi, concisely put: “For it is in giving that we receive.”

Attitude to Money

If we see others in need and offer financial assistance, we learn the value of giving. This confidence to give to others in need, helps us to attract money into our lives. It is only in cheerfully using money that we can feel wealthy. I used to work for a boss who was a multi-millionaire. However, he was very miserly; he would turn off the heating and lights to save a few pence. He couldn’t give anything to anyone. He had stacks of money in the bank, but he felt poor. His millions gave no joy because he couldn’t spend it.

Giving with Sincerity

If we give to others with the hope that we will get in return, this is not sincere joyful giving. When we give with this attitude, there is a fear our giving may not pay dividends. With this attitude, we don’t really know if we actually have joy to give; it becomes like a bargain. This is not effective. If we give unconditionally, we do not need or expect anything in return. Giving is its own reward. Whether it is misused or not returned doesn’t matter – because we know that giving selflessly helps us to do and become the right thing.

Learn by Teaching.

Love cannot remain by itself — it has no meaning.
Love has to be put into action, and that action is service

– Mother Teresa.

I always tell my students that the best way to revise / learn is to teach others. If you just read the same notes, it is hard to make progress. However, if they take time to explain something to others, then there own understanding and comprehension increases significantly. It is the same principle in life, what we teach and give to others is the lessons we will learn ourselves.

If we judge others, we will feel judged ourselves. If we offer happiness to others, we will be happy ourself. If we are miserly towards other people, we will feel miserly ourselves.

Related

• The Power of Giving

Photo: Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries

Thoughts have power. As we think, so we become. If we allow negative thoughts to dominate our mind, we will be frustrated, unhappy and lacking in inner peace. If we can stop negative thoughts, we will will be able to see the beautiful, even in the mundane; we will be able to attain peace of mind, even in the turmoil of everyday life.

How To Stop your Negative Thoughts.

Be Committed

The very first step is simply the awareness that you want to stop your negative thoughts. Unfortunately, there is a part of us that holds on to negative thoughts; if we didn’t consciously or unconsciously invite negative thoughts we wouldn’t have them. For example, we sometimes hold onto negative thoughts out of self-pity; we have to be careful of this. If we strongly value the benefit of rejecting negative thoughts we will be able to do it.

Be Aware.

Another problem is that negative thoughts can often slip in unnoticed. We allow negative thoughts to spiral around in our mind and don’t have the discipline to reject them. Always be conscious of your thoughts, and don’t allow your mind to wander down a path of negativity. Feel that when you allow negative thoughts into your mind you are staining something very beautiful. Take time to periodically review your thoughts so that it will become more instinctive to be aware of your own mind.

Positive Visualisation.

Only by our positive thinking,
By our bringing the positive qualities
Of others to the fore,
Will this world be able
To make progress.

The most effective way for countering negativity, is to throw yourself into the opposite – which is a positive view of life. Don’t focus on a person’s minor misdemeanour’s, but focus on the real self, the part that is divine. If you are frustrated how society is at the moment, visualise how society can change into something beautiful. By thinking of the positive and by feeling divine qualities of love, we will not want to harbour negativity. Don’t feel you are fighting negativity, but just growing into a better world-view.

Negativity Hurts yourself.

Much negativity is focused on other people – colleagues who annoy us, friends who disappoint us, politicians who fail us. We wish to blame and criticise other people we come into contact with. However, as we gain more experience, we come to feel that our own negativity unmistakably returns to its source. The failings we see in others are merely some part of our own larger nature. When we realise that negativity towards others returns like a boomerang, we will naturally be more compassionate, forgiving and loving. By being kind to others, we are really being kind to our more illumined self.

We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.

– Lord Buddha [2. Dhammapada, translated by T. Byrom (1993), Shambhala ]

Meditation

Sometimes, when sitting down to meditate, I just allow thoughts to pass by and I act as the observer of the thoughts. This allows myself to be aware of the thoughts that I produce; it also enables me to see thoughts as separate from my real self. By simply observing thoughts that pass by your mind, you will be able to see them as passing, transient objects – separate from yourself. With this perspective it is much easier to reject those you don’t want.

Related

• How To Gain Control of your Thoughts
• Positive Thinking – It’s benefits and limitations