Here are some practical suggestions for dealing with anger.
1. When you are angry say nothing.
If we speak in anger we will definitely aggravate the situation and quite likely hurt the feelings of others. If we speak in anger we will find that people respond in kind, creating a spiral of negative anger. If we can remain outwardly silent it gives time for the emotion of anger to leave us.
“When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred. “
2. Be indifferent to those who seek to make us angry.
Some people may unfortunately take a malicious pleasure in trying to make you mad. However, if we can feel indifferent to them and their words; if we feel it is beyond our dignity to even acknowledge them, then their words and actions will have no effect. Also, if we do not respond in any way to their provocation, they will lose interest and not bother us in the future.
3. Use reason to stop anger.
When we feel anger coming to the fore try to take a step back and say to yourself “This anger will not help me in any way. This anger will make the situation worse.†Even if part of us remains angry our inner voice is helping us to distance our self from the emotion of anger.
4. Look kindly upon Others.
Another visualisation, suggested by spiritual teacher Paramhansa Yogananda, is to see the anger-rousing agent as a 5 year old child. If you think of the other person as a helpless 5 year old child your compassion and forgiveness will come to the fore. If your baby brother accidentally stabbed you, you would not feel anger and desire to retaliate. Instead, you would just feel he is just too young to know any better. This exercise may be particularly useful for close members of the family who at times evoke your anger.
5. Value Peace more than anger.
If we value peace of mind as our most important treasure we will not allow anger to remain in our system. As Sri Chinmoy says:
“You may have every right to be angry with someone, but you know that by getting angry with him you will only lose your precious peace of mind..â€
6. Always try to understand those who are cross.
Don’t worry about feeling the need to defend yourself from their criticisms. If you can remain detached and calm they may begin to feel guilty about venting their anger on you. Inspired by your example of calmness, they will seek subconsciously to do the same.
7. Focus on Something Completely Different.
Suppose someone has done something to make you angry. Think about something which will make you happy. The best antidote to negativity is to focus on the positive.
8. Breathe Deeply.
The simple act of breathing deeply will help considerably with removing anger.
9. Meditation.
Practise meditation regularly to bring your inner peace to the fore. If we can have an inner access to our inner peace we will be able to draw upon this during testing times. – How to Meditate
10. Smile
When we smile we defuse many negative situations. To smile is offer goodwill to others. Smiling costs nothing but can effectively defuse tense situations.
Common Sense
If you leave your unlocked bike in the centre of town, it is likely to get stolen. This can be frustrating and is likely to give rise to feelings of anger. Of course, we should minimise this kind of situation – simply remember to lock your bike. If we feel there is an injustice in our workplace, we should work to resolve it; this will make our work environment more peaceful and less prone to creating anger. If we have a partner who is abusive, the solution is not just dealing with our own anger, but finding a more peaceful living situation.
When we try to transcend anger, it doesn’t mean we have to acquiesce to injustice and unfairness. We should strive to make the world a better place. However, whatever our goals, it is always best to act with poise and a clear mind. Acting under the influence of anger makes it more difficult to attain what we wish to achieve.
Finally as a teacher, I occasionally feign anger to make students pay attention; sometimes, you need to show a stern face. However, as a teacher you can’t afford to allow yourself to be over-run with the emotion of anger because then you may over-react and create problems.
See also:
Photo credit: Ranjit Swanson, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries
Point in no4 is so true..and i am learning of adapting to it..it is hard when we are angry to people but it will become harde if we gets angry with our own close family…
Thank you, I found this article about dealing with anger very helpful. However, I would like to take this a step further (this is a loaded question) and ask “How do you deal with grudges” or rather “How do you purdge yourself of grudges”. During moments of anger words are said with the intention of hurting the other person. Those words can’t be erased once said. And in a case where the exchange is between spouses it can erode the delicate fabric of that relationship irreversibly. After which anything else that is said just compunds the problem. At the end, all you’re left with is indifference, distaste, pain, confusion (where it all went wrong), fear (the other will leave you the next time or find someone else), shame and a lot of more ugly feelings.
This what i and my husband are going through. He often looks to provoke me (get a rise out of me) I honestly try to ignore him and go about my business but he never backs down (each time it happens he says he didn’t expect it to end up in an ugly exchange of words). Before you know it, we are bringing up real issues and insulting each other. We used to respect each other now I really think that’s gone and we don’t know how to rebuild. My husband doesn’t believe in inner peace and self improvement (makes you wonder what we had in common in the first place) anyway, what can I do ?
I dont know how to not take things out on the people that did nothing wrong? What can I do?
OK these sound nice, but from a practical standpoint many of them are ineffective. Saying nothing is a good way to stuff your anger and let it fester. I agree processing the thoughts with reason before speaking is good, and effective, but to say nothing as in ignoring a person (as was described here) is not healthy.
Think of loving things may soothe the anger at the moment, but are you actually dealing with the anger? Maybe, maybe not — it is similiar to the saying nothing it is more a mask of the anger rather than dealing with it.
Getting angry does not lose your precious state of mind, staying angry does. Being angry is a natural healthy response to hurt, pain, threat, fear and much more. Again it is a superficial statement on dealing with anger.
The rest I pretty much agree with. One needs to understand why he/she is angry. and then rationally think of an appropriate action. The feeling of anger is not a negative, it just is. the actions we take to process the anger is important.
Do you need to talk to a person and set boundaries? Is the person who made you angry correct and your are just hurt? Are your expectations let down and causing you anger (expectations are almost always connected with anger — what were your expectations — and what actually happened). Physical actions such as walking, or excercising or biking are good ways to release the tension that anger can cause. rational theought — as the saying goes — think it out I (intellect) over E (emotion). Write your anger down on paper — this helps to process your thoughts and release the tension and anger. (No one needs ever reead the writing except you — but it is effective in getting it out)
The writing by the way is effective with grudges. it helps you process the grudge and find out why you are holding a grude.
Resentments and grudges keep you in the place of the originally moment of anger. It does not allow you to process the anger — effectively you are revisiting that moment every time you feel the resentment and anger — dealing with it allows you to move on.
Ok enough of my book here… hope some of what I wrote helps and good luck and peace to everyone. (including me 🙂
Hey? Where’s #7?
Or is it hidden or a joke and I’m being stupid?
Good point. I don’t know what happened to number 7….
This is very helpful, I have 2 young adults and I needed to find something online to show them how to deal with anger issues. We will go over the steps in detail to ensure they understand how their reactions change situations. Thanks very much for the website.
I find this article very helpful. I just got very angry at my girlfriend and we blew up at each other over something so small and stupid. Thank you for the article. I hope my girlfriend still loves me….
i have taken these steps of advice into consideration.
im not one to be angry often as im normally bubbly and hype.
but i appreciate these …tips, and will definatley take them into consideration next i am angry
Good tips but hard to actually do. I’m normally a very level-headed and calm person but when angered I shoot off like a rocket. Its unbeleivably hard to think of anything other than the situation at hand that is bothering me. Its like im a bull and just see red… I know in my heart im not a bad person, i just should take the time to handle things differently. But honestly reading a few tips is ok but to actually input them in my life is another. I struggle to see past my anger.
I need help with anger.When I am mad I do not smile.I have to hit the wall or something.
Oh no1 is excellent!Doesn’t mean the rest are not though!I mean it’s so relaxing and it doesn’t provoke more of ugly words from/to your opponent. And when you dont fight back, it’s easy to solve something wisely. Thanks alot for these tips to stay happy with peace of mind.
i’m a survivor
i ain’t going to give up
when i get angry i start cusing and screaming i use to take the anger out on my self. most of my anger now is cuz my father died a couple of months ago and i dont know how to deal wit my self. especially cuz he was my world!
Thank you SO much. I looked everywhere for something to calm me down, and came up with zilch. My anger dissipated, and my interest in arguing.
Well, I know it is hard not to react once you are angered.
You know it is wrong and that it is not what you really want to do, but the emotion is too powerful to resist. Am I right?
What we need is a quick fix for the moment, so we do not do some thing we do not actually want to.
Asking yourself why the angry response to any given situation is vital. For example, I am angry because someone accused me of doing some thing I did not.
Or, someone has been bothering you for a long time and you, not wanting to hurt his feelings, just allowed him to hang around and influance you in whatever way.
So, we need to find the our own mind pattern that has allowed the situation to arise in the first place. Then, we need to change the way we think and live. So that similar situation can not arise in the future ever again.
Well, good luck to us all.