Last week, I made a challenge to see what it was like not to criticise other people either inwardly or outwardly. I have to say it was quite difficult! It seemed as if events conspired to make it more difficult than usual or maybe I was just more aware of how often we are prone to criticism.
These are some observations from last week.
Criticism can become like a bad habit. I noticed there were occasions where I instinctively started to criticise others – usually over minor infractions like for example, a house mate not tidying up. You have to work hard to get out of the habit.
The Action vs Person. When you are trying hard not to criticise, one thing you are forced to do is separate the action from the person. Just because somebody is untidy or irritating it doesn’t make them a bad person. It is worth developing the ability to think badly about an action of a person without making it personal.
Not Neutral If we don’t find anything to criticise, we like the person. We are not neutral.
Empathy. When we are trying hard not to criticise other people, it encourages us to develop empathy. Rather than jumping to condemnation, we think it is a mistake we could easily be making ourself. This is actually quite true, because when we criticise others, we often have the fault in ourself. This empathy or feeling of oneness with others feels good.
Criticism is often False anyway. Once I was cycling home, a driver carelessly through some litter out of the window, normally I would start criticising inwardly, but, this time I checked myself. When I cycled further on, I realised the driver had just thrown a leaf out of the car – so it wasn’t litter at all. This seemed an appropriate lesson. Often when we criticise we are wrong and misinformed anyway.
There is no peace in criticism. One thing no one can deny is that if you spend all your time criticising others you will not have peace of mind. If you stop criticising the world doesn’t stop functioning.
Criticising Yourself. To avoid criticising others, it is important to work on not criticising yourself. I’ve noticed that there is strong link between criticising others and criticising yourself. When we criticise others, we are living in a judgemental frame of mind. When we are judgemental about others, we tend to be judgemental about ourself. If we can be tolerant / accepting of others, it is easier to be accepting of ourself.
To live without criticism does not mean we ignore right and wrong. It means we don’t spend precious energy in thinking badly of others and ourself.
I definitely feel that the mind is far too prone to criticism and it creates an unhappy state of mind. I’m going to give it another go this week and try to do better!
Thank you for this, this is something I’ve been working on for a little while now. Criticism really can make you miserable, and can also be so damaging to relationships. Right now I am wondering how to effectively deal with people in my life who themselves are very critical and negative. I find the negativity hard to be around sometimes, yet I don’t want to abandon these people who are my friends. I try to lead by example and not reciprocate their feelings, but sometimes I feel that isolates others. Any suggestions?
Hi Sasha,
Thanks for comment.
I agree it can be difficult. But, if you refrain from negativity, I think in the long run your friends will appreciate it. We don’t want to criticise them for being negative – that would defeat the whole point! But, we can steer the conversation away from it.
Also, A real friend shouldn’t expect us to share all their criticisms.
Good luck.
Hello Tejvan,
Not criticizing is really challenging. When I started out to practice this, the initial period was full of frustration. And slowly somehow now it’s turned to be quite amusing. The way we operate is a big entertainer by itself.
I think that it is a phenomenal goal and a super achievement. I would love to be able to do it.
Another way it would help in improving one’s self would be to give us strength to withstand criticism from others.
I have to report on the actions of a person at work whose actions have been inappropriate. This area of the site is so useful in helping me to think about how I will word the report to ensure it is the actions I am reporting upon, not the person.
Sometimes, do you ever get the impression you are being set up? I submitted my impartial, factual report and I found the advice about anger from this site very useful. I do wonder why some people have to be so aggressive and have to put others down to make a point. I don’t like arguing, I defended my point -and the end conclusion now exactly the same as what my impartial report said. What a waste of time in the meantime, so counter productive and just means a loss of respect for the aggressive person.
Dear Tejvan,
Really all the articles are excellent, just inspiring…
I found this site while I was searching some related articles. I am a big fan of you…
Keep inspiring and encouraging….
Thanks
Kranthi Kumar Vemula
9849629911
11kgroups.com