Happiness will follow you

There are many things that we aspire to do, but, for some reason they remain quite difficult. It is better to have the right intention and be aware of how difficult they are. These are some of the things that are very difficult to do and how we could make them a little more practical.

Admit We’re Wrong

Nearly all of us find it difficult to admit we were wrong. It stems from a false belief that we somehow always expect ourselves to be right. Part of the problem is our pride. We feel embarrassed to admit we get things wrong; we feel it somehow diminishes our own standing. But, to admit we were wrong is a sign of strength, flexibility and humility. People will never think ill of us simply because we admit to making a mistake. The mind’s insistence on trying to justify everything we do merely creates problems for ourselves and others. We need to change our mindset and be happy to admit to mistakes without feelings of guilt or humbled pride.

“Why do we find it so difficult to confess our mistake’s? The immediate answer is fear. What is fear? Fear is something that constantly binds us. Fear is something that constantly tells us that we are entirely different or separate from others, that our existence is only for ourselves.”

– Sri Chinmoy

Be Non Judgemental

We come across many people in life. Some we like, some we develop dislike. Our mind is constantly judging. We judge people on their appearance, on what they say. Then our interactions with them are clouded by our judgement. It is much better to have a clear mind without prejudging others.

Accept Criticism in Good Spirit

Criticism can be an excellent opportunity to learn and develop. Without criticism we may continue to make mistakes and gain a large ego. Yet, despite the benefits of receiving constructive criticism. We feel challenged and personally affronted. We love to receive praise but struggle to deal with criticism.

Be Cheerful under all Circumstances

Life gives us ups and downs, whether we like it or not. There is nothing we can do about our circumstances. Sometimes fate gives us challenging circumstances. Becoming miserable does not help, it only makes the situation more difficult. To remain cheerful in difficult circumstances is a great boon. Cheerfulness can overcome many obstacles and help us to discover light even in seemingly difficult times. But, unfortunately, when things don’t go to plan we start feeling sorry for ourselves and glum. Of course, this does not help; but, this is what we tend to do.

Practise what we Preach

Alas, it is easy to say what we should do, but, it is another thing to do it! If world peace could be attained by good intentions it would be achieved a long time ago. Quite often we know what we should do, we hear our voice of conscience or message from our heart, but, some other force prevents us from doing the right thing.

Even worse, we tell others what to do – when we have no intention of doing it ourselves. Still to have good intentions is a start. What we need to do is talk a little less and act a little more. Putting into effect our good intentions is the real challenge.

Listen

Everyone wants to talk, but, how many have time to listen? Listening is a great art. Just listening to others can help them to work out their problems. They don’t need our advice, but, they may need an opportunity to work out what they should do. If you dominate conversations and always like to have the last word. Sit back and try to listen, especially to those who are shy or need a reliable friend (see: The art of listening)

Do One Thing at a Time

Simplicity and focus is a great virtue. But, we feel if we can try to do 2 things at once we will get more done. Alas, this rarely works, we just get stressed from the demands we place on ourselves; stress that need not be there.

Get Up early in the morning

How beautiful it is to get up at dawn, listening to the dawn chorus before the rush of humanity enters the day. Unfortunately, the body doesn’t always follow our own good intentions. Though you could try these tips to get up early in the morning.

Eat Less Sugar

Another good habit would be to eat less sugar. But, cake tastes good so what can we do? 🙂

Nobody really likes getting older. But, to think of ageing purely as a physical process is to miss the importance of our mental outlook. If we want we can easily remain young at heart – whatever our age.

Sometimes we see someone in his twenties and already he is grumbling like an old man. But, at the same time we see someone in their 70s and they have the life and attitude of a young child. To remain young at heart and forgetful of our outer age is a real blessing which enables us to enjoy life whatever our advancing age may be.

Secrets to Remaining Young at heart

Spend Time With Children.

Children  enjoy life from the heart. To see a child’s smile uplifts even the hardest heart. If we spend time with serious old people we will feel a serious old person too.

Don’t Identify your Self with Your Physical Age.

Everyday we look in the mirror and gain the habit of identifying our sense of self with the body. Thus when we see grey hairs and rinkles appearing we feel older – because our body is becoming older. But to remain young in heart and mind, our physical appearance is an irrelevance. We need to break the link between our physical condition and state of mind. We try to keep the body healthy. But, our sense of self should never be dictated by the number of summers this body has seen.

Be Spontaneous.

A childlike attitude is spontaneous and free. A child can take joy in simple things because it is not mentally creating a 5 year plan to buy a new TV. Try to listen to your heart and do things which give you innocent pleasure. Spend less time thinking and more time living in the present moment.

Don’t Spend Time Picking Faults

When we criticise others,
We do not go forward.
We just go backward,
To our greatest shock.

– Sri Chinmoy

It is complaining and grumbling which really gives us a feeling of being old and weary. Unfortunately, as we get older we get into a mental habit of finding fault and criticising the innumerable problems of the world. It is this tendency to be critical which really gives us an ageing outlook. A critical attitude has an impact upon ourselves. It is we who become negative, yet, of course, our criticisms never   improve the world.

Be Active

If we are active we don’t have time to get depressed about our old age. Compete with yourself and not others and get joy from transcending your own goals.

Stop Being Guilt of Your Age

I know many people close to me, who really feel bad if you ask them how old they are. They tell their age with such reluctance – as if they had just been diagnosed with some serious illness. Be proud to have more experience and more years under your belt. Becoming older in age is nothing to feel bad about.

The old saying ‘pride comes before a fall’ is no idle old wives tale. It is pride that creates innumerable problems for both ourselves and the rest of the world. Yet, like the proverbial camel unable to stop eating thorns, it is our pride that enslaves us to continuing doing the wrong thing or creating unnecessary unhappiness.

Inflexibility

Our pride can create inflexibility. Because of our pride we are not able to change our mind, but instead we stick on a wrong course of action. We may know our initial decision is wrong, but, because of our pride we are unable or unwilling to back down and take a different course of action. We mistake this stubborness for strength, but actually it is a weakness because we are just unable to take a better course of action.

Always To Be Right.

If we have tremendous pride we don’t like to be proved wrong. This can cause us to justify wrong actions to ourselves. We may even come to believe that they are justified. But, we will spend an inordinate amount of energy in proving to others or ourselves we are right.

Aloofness.

Pride makes us feel aloof and self-sufficient. We feel we can cope without the support, guidance or help of others. We may even try to do things by ourself so that we can claim all the glory for ourselves. But, when we take this solo approach we limit ourselves and create unnecessary difficulties and limitations. John Donne said ‘no man is an island’ But, our pride likes to make us think that we can be a unique person.

Insecurity.

If our self worth is dependent on a sense of pride we become insecure and sensitive to the criticisms of others. Our pride requires constant support and constant bolstering. Pride can consciously or unconsciously encourage us to go fishing for complements. Our pride deeply enjoys flattery but cannot cope with criticism.

Unhappiness.

As Thomas Jefferson said:

“Pride costs more than hunger, thirst and cold.”

Pride invariable creates unhappiness. The feeling of pride is a false happiness. We get a temporary relief from achieving and being thought well of. But, this is unsustainable. Life throws slings and arrows whether we like it or not. Rather than trying to please the false ego we need to be at peace with ourselves whatever the circumstances.

False Modesty.

A more subtle pride is a false modesty – an extreme self depreciation. Pride usually makes us feel we are extra special, really excellent. But, at other times it is our pride which makes us feel guilty and useless. Because we fail to live upto expectations or fail to achieve something, we feel personally a failure.

Alternative to Pride

The alternative to pride is an inner humility. We don’t make a display of our humility (as this can ironically create a sense of pride in how humble we are trying to be). However, if we give little importance to pride we will be able to:

• Benefit from the support and advice of others when it is helpful. At the same time, we will not be thrown by unfair criticism.
• We will get joy from the achievements of others.
• We will gain happiness from our progress and attempt and not just when we succeed.
• We will be able to admit mistakes without feeling guilty.
• We have much greater flexibility and will be much more easy to get on with. It is pride that it is the biggest obstacle in developing good relationships.
• We will value harmony more than being ‘Right’

Related

• Humility
• Poems on Pride at Poetseers

Photo by Tejvan, Sri Chinmoy Centre galleries.

During the past two weeks I have been in New York for a spiritual holiday. It was an opportunity to meditate and live away from usual distractions and necessities of daily life. It was a good experience to take a break, but, the writing muse deserted me, and time flew past.

We will be resuming our normal posting schedule soon. But, just in brief it is a good reminder that experiencing a totally different situation can help. Sometimes we need a change of scene and people to break old habits and gain different perspectives.

A strong part of human nature is a creature of habit. We go through the same routine, habits and even same thoughts. But, when we are forced to try new things and move out of comfort zone we often realise that our old habits are limiting and there is much more to life.

In particular, I felt no inspiration for spending time on a computer. But, now I’m back in the UK I want to get back into writing.

Related

• 10 Tips – How To Get out of a Rut

picture: Pavitrata

A while back I tried a period of not criticising people, it was an interesting experiment, if rather difficult. In a similar vein I thought it would be interesting to see what life is like if we make zero complaints about anything.

We tend to be chronic complainers. We complain about other people, about our work situation, about what is on telly, the fact Gas prices have risen 15%; we complain about what is happening in our life, in our house and around the world. There seems no end in sight to our long list of complaints.

Living without complaining is not burying our head in the sand thinking the world has no problems. The crucial question is – what does complaining achieve? How does constant complaining affect our own life? Does complaining about things we have no control help in any way?

You Can’t Change The World But You Can Change Yourself.

The road to inner peace is never dependent on ironing out all the problems of society and the world first. Governments will always be making bad decisions, buses will always be arriving late, and electronic devices will always be breaking down. If we write down what we most like to complain about, these will probably not change. Some people think that – only if they could move country all their complaints will vanish; but, this is wishful thinking, the problems will be there in other countries just in other forms.

The important thing is to change our attitude. Rather than complain, we can tolerate mistakes of others; rather than complain over silly things, we can maintain an attitude of detachment. We need to love and accept the world as it is. We cannot wait for the world to be perfect before we love. The important thing is to be positive – looking for the good rather than looking for legitimate complaints.

Complaining v Gratitude

When we complain we look for the negative. We give power to our negative thoughts and the world seems a darker place. If we look for the positive, if we aspire to cultivate gratitude for the good in life – our outlook will completely change. We will give power, focus and attention to the good and beautiful. We constantly have choices – either complain or be grateful, only ourselves can make this choice.

Complaining and Mistreatment.

There is a great scene in Fawlty Towers (Waldorf Salad I think) – Two old ladies are served some grizzly old meat; it’s so overcooked they can barely eat it. When Basil Fawlty (John Cleese) asks if they are enjoying their meal they fake a smile and say ‘O, yes Lovely’ But, as soon as he turns his back they screw up their face and spit out the meat. They then start complaining to each other about how bad it is. It is said this is a typical English and Canadian trait – we don’t stand up to bad service. We don’t say anything outwardly, but we bitterly complain inwardly. This reluctance to complain outwardly has not helped; it just means we complain silently and nurse our grievance. If we have a legitimate grievance it is good to politely and calmly express it. It gives chance for the other person to rectify their bad service and it means we are less likely to nurse a perpetual grievance over the overcooked steak a la Fawlty Towers. What we are trying to avoid is the perpetual inner complaining.

Complaining over Things we Have No Control.

There are many things in life which are unjust, unfair and unpleasant. We tend to be drawn to to the negative things we see around us and instinctively we start to complain about everything that is wrong. But, our complaints do not make an iota of difference. They do not change the problem, we just become depressed at the problems in life. There is a big difference between complaining and doing something about it. The old maxim ‘actions speak louder than words’ is oft repeated but, there is much wisdom in that saying. Complaining is essentially a negative act with no positive energy to change things.

Complaints are Often misinformed.

Often we complain but we maybe complain on false premises. We love to complain about higher taxes, but, if we didn’t have higher spending on public services like education and health care, we would be complaining about that. – It’s easy to complain, it’s more difficult to do something about it.

Another example. We may complain about a difficult person. However, that person could be forcing us to face up to our own weaknesses. Often when we dislike some thing about another person their fault exists in our own nature. Rather than complaining we have to learn to deal with difficult people; it may be an opportunity in disguise.

Complaints Don’t Solve Anything

If we tell the waiter the tea is cold, he can heat it up. But, most of our complaints do nothing to solve anything. We complain about the amount of litter on the street, but, do we ever pick up any litter? We can complain until we are blue in the face about the state of the economy and the government, but this will do nothing to make our life better. If we spent the same energy from complaints into something positive, we would have a chance to make a significant improvement to our life and people around us.

Complaining is essential a negative non-constructive activity which focuses us to focus on the negativity, it also often embodies a feeling of powerlessness.

Related

• How to Avoid being a grumpy old man.
• How To Avoid Negativity

photo by Pavitrata, Sri Chinmoy Centre galleries

People are a mixture of qualities and personalities. At various times, we all embody these different aspects and qualities. But often some quality or trait is more predominant than others. Some friends will be insecure and shy, others will be brash and egocentric. We need to respond to these different characteristics in different ways. There are also some general tips for dealing with difficult people here.

Dealing with difficult people is certainly one of the most important life skills and as painful as it maybe, dealing with difficult people can be very instructive. Even if it is just learning – don’t be like them!

Ego Centric.

An ego centric person tends to talk alot – often about themselves and their achievements, They look for compliments and so will often compliment others to encourage praise for themselves. They dislike any criticism and are often insecure, though they hide this insecurity by trying to display their successes. Ego centric people can be a bit of a bore, but, it will not help to point out their shortcomings as they will not appreciate your intervention. It is best to offer sincere praise if justified, but, not to encourage them excessively. If they really are talking too much about themselves, politely but firmly steer the conversation onto something else.
Very insecure and egocentric people will try to put down other people to make themselves feel better. This is pretty frustrating but, before taking it personally, it is worth being aware of why they are doing it so don’t take it to heart.

There is a saying ‘pride comes before a fall.’ If you feel someone’s ego is ballooning out of control, don’t despair or worry too much. Sooner or later they are sowing their own downfall.

Opinionated

Opinionated people have strongly held views and tend to be quite confrontational. Whatever the issue it is – the price of bread, the best place to put the flower pot, the cause of the credit crunch – you can guarantee they will have a strong opinion and they will vigourously argue for their point of view and won’t be particularly interested in anyone else’s opinion. On many issues you can side step them. After all, there are few things in life worth really worth arguing about – so just avoid bringing up the topics that they will give their interminable lectures on. It is also worth remembering you are probably not going to be able to change their mind directly.

The problem comes when they have a strongly held opinion on something which is important and that you can’t just ignore. This is maybe an issue which affects you or people around you. It is difficult because they are usually quite set in their ways. The best tactic is not to challenge them head on. Don’t start by saying I think you are wrong as they will resent this direct challenge. Try looking for some area of agreement and consensus; get them in a good frame of mind and then suggest an improvement or different way of doing things. But, there is no one particular way of dealing with this issue. Sometimes, we just have to be firm. Just because someone is opinionated and will throw a tantrum if they don’t get their way doesn’t mean we have to give into them. Never feel guilty for standing upto some behaviour that is wrong. But, where possible make it as least confrontational as possible.

Shy / Insecurity.

Someone who is shy and insecure will be reluctant to come forwards, they will lack confidence and often try hard to please people, even if inwardly they regret doing this. It is important to bear in mind that shy people will need encouragement and support. Small steps to boost their confidence will make a big difference. Don’t be patronising but give people the opportunity to speak and be true to themselves. Shy people are often quite self critical so there is little need to make a big deal out of criticising small misdemeanour’s. The main thing is that they will respond positively to even small amounts of encouragement.

Lazy People

Lazy people don’t create so much problems, but, laziness can become selfish when you have to do their work for them. Try giving them a sense of duty and make them aware of how they impact on other people. They might not change for themselves but, they may become less lazy when they realise others have to carry the can.

Related

• Loving difficult people
• How to distinguish between love and emotional dependence

photo by Pavitrata