Happiness will follow you

“Adversity makes you dynamic.
Adversity endow you
With faith in yourself.”

– Sri Chinmoy

Adversity and difficulties are an inescapable part of life. To try and hide from adversity can never work. Whatever we do we will face challenges and and adversity. The important thing is not what happens to you but how we accept and deal with it.

When adversity Strikes these are some tips for dealing with it.

Don’t Give Up

Sometimes we take difficulties as a sign to give up or ‘it is not meant for us’ But, if we look at people who have achieved great things, almost invariably they recovered from initial set backs. The great Abraham Lincoln had so many set backs before becoming US President. (Lost job
Defeated for state legislature (1832), Failed in business (1833), Had nervous breakdown(1936) Defeated for Senate (1854,1858) Yet he became one of the most influential presidents of all time. If at first we don’t succeed we need to have faith in our goal and keep going.

Don’t Blame Others / the Situation

When things go wrong we are apt to blame other people and other situations. The blame game may help us feel a little bit better, but, it doesn’t help us deal with the adverse forces we are faced with. Really successful people don’t have time to blame the situation as this can easily encourage a sense of self-pity that is not helpful. We have to take where we are and do what we can to improve our situation. Rather than complaining, if we focus on what we can do we will be much more effective.

Learn From Adversity.

It may be a bit of a cliche, but, it really is difficult situations which give us a great opportunity for self-improvement. If life was easy we would  just become complacent and too laid back. It is adversity that forces us to re-evaluate our pre-conceived ideas and ingrained habits. Adversity is the shock that can lead to a deeper and more thoughtful attitude. If we see adversity as a necessary event for our own self-improvement half the fear of adversity is lost. We no longer see the difficult situation as our enemy but as part of our life.

Don’t Worry

We cannot change things beyond our control, so why worry over the inevitable? One of the difficult aspects of adverse situations is the uncertainty and worry that can accompany a deterioration in events. Maybe we worry over our financial situation. But, we shouldn’t let the worry get out of control and become excessive. Rather than using our mental energy for worrying about things over which we have no control, if we use this energy for doing what we can, our situation will definitely improve.

Detachment

Similar to the last point, detachment helps to be less depressed by the difficulties we face. The worst response is to feel guilty because of difficulties that have arrived. There is only so much we can do when faced with certain situations. We should judge our inner response not the outcome. Sometimes we can be our own worst critic and blame ourselves for things beyond our control. If we have difficulties with the attitude of friends and family – what can we do? Our responsibility is to do the right thing and respond with a compassionate attitude. But, we cannot change others or make bad situations disappear. Don’t feel bad for things that are beyond our control.

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Photo by Kedar – Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries

One of our great challenges in life is to avoid negativity – a negative attitude to ourselves and others. It is easy to become suspicious, critical, depressed, fearful, but, despite the prevailing attitudes of the world there is no inevitability that we have to become a grumpy old man. It is quite possible to see the beautiful in the ordinary and bring to the fore the better side of human nature. If we avoid negativity we will see definitely see the positive in life and enjoy life much more.

Criticise Not

Criticising others is a very pervasive bad habit we all have. Sometimes we can actually go out of our way to look for the failings and faults of others. It is as if we are blind to their good qualities but their mistakes stand out in our mind. Even worse we can often imagine faults that others might have. This is the height of stupidity, but the nature of the mind can easily turn to negativity and we have to be on guard.

It is a great exercise to try and think about the good aspects of people whom you frequently criticise. The important thing is that criticising others has an unmistakeable impact on ourselves. If we are permanently finding fault with the world it affects our self.

To deliberately criticise
Another individual
May cause an indelible stain
On the critic.

– Sri Chinmoy

The world will not collapse if we halt our self styled criticism. If we look to encourage and praise the good aspects of others, we will bring these qualities to the fore in ourself.

Choosing Consciously

All the time we are faced with choices. Do I see the negative or the positive? Somebody at work might pass a thoughtless and disparaging comment. Our instinctive reaction may be to nurse a sense of grievance and think of many equally unpleasant things to say about the person in return. However, another way to look at this situation would be to think. They are unfortunately wrong, perhaps they are feeling insecure and so try to unfairly put others down. In the past there may have been times when I may have done something like that. I will make an effort to be kind to that person as this will be the best way to show they were mistaken and also to help them overcome their depressed state of mind.

The first response invites a tit for tat response which will encourage negativity. The second response is dignified and requires nobility of character. But, we lose nothing by avoiding negativity – we gain a tremendous amount. The point is we always have a choice about how we respond to situations; avoiding the negative and unpleasant just takes a conscious decision.

Self-Belief

It is vital to cultivate a sense of self-worth and self-respect. If we do not have faith in ourselves how can we have faith in anyone else? Self-belief should not be equated with arrogance or pride. We are seeking to cultivate a sense of self respect so we are at peace with ourselves. We are often our worst critic, sometimes we ignore genuine faults but worry excessively over minor issues that aren’t really faults. We need to learn from our mistakes and be honest with our weaknesses but it should not be at a cost of putting ourselves down. If we make a mistake learn to let go, don’t keep the negative memory at the forefront of your mind. If we can have a good feeling about ourselves it will be very easy to have a good feeling about others and the rest of the world.

Service

Idleness is the worst cultivator of negativity. If we sit mopping aimlessly around we will inevitable become bored and negative. Life will seem no fun. The easiest way to change our mindset is to become meaningfully busy. As we mentioned in this story about ‘helping an alcoholic’ it was only when the alcoholic helped other people that he was able to overcome his personal weaknesses. If we really want to serve others there will always be some way that we can find. If we are really busy we will not have time to criticise the world. If we don’t have work to do, we can also just take physical exercise. This is also an excellent way of shaking off the cobwebs of our mind.

Osmosis.

The nature of the human mind is that it consciously or unconsciously absorbs the vibrations from around us. If we spend time with negative people, watching 24 hour news, then we will be more prone to negativity ourselves. We have to choose our work, leisure time carefully. Don’t spend too much time with  the grumpy old men or gossipy old ladies. When we do spend time with negative people we need to be on our guard that we don’t share their world view.

Be young At Heart.

I have already made two references to ‘grumpy old men’ this is not an ageist remark. You can be a grumpy old man when you are 20. You can be 80 years old but remain young at heart. Age is very much something of a mental attitude. We want to cultivate a childlike attitude which takes joy from small, simple, beautiful things. We want to avoid a great sophistication and mental disection of everything. If we over analyse life we are living in the mind and unable to live in the heart.

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“I used to have a son who sat around doing nothing, but then he took up meditation.”

It’s a rather feeble new Age joke, but, the idea of doing nothing sounds rather shocking, yet doing nothing can be one of the most rewarding things. Here doing nothing doesn’t mean loafing away, idly passing time. Doing nothing means the willingness to switch off from external distractions and worries. It means being happy to be in our present surroundings and at peace with ourself.

Time to Yourself

We spend time looking after our family, commuting to work; we work 8 hours a day for a boss. Why do we find it so difficult to spend 15 – 20 minutes to ourselves?

Don’t Be Afraid of Silence

We have become afraid of our own selves, and afraid of silence. We have become accustomed to absorbing ourselves in external distractions, often looking at a screen. Because, we never spend time with ourselves we become frightened of what we might find. Real silence is relaxing and reinvigorating. We need to learn to be at peace with ourselves. We must avoid the temptation to start judging ourselves and other people but, just be in peace.

Less is More

We often have a feeling that we need to try and control everything. We need to change others behaviour, we need to change ourselves, we need to change the world. We expend alot of energy ruminating over the failings of others and what they ought to do. Often this is just on a mental level. Our thoughts are filled with what other people should do and why they are bad. But, in many cases we would be better off for minding our own business. There are many things that we are not responsible for, especially when it comes to changing other people. We can inspire them and lead by example, but, sometimes we need to allow people to make their own choices and follow their own path. In that area we should be happy to do nothing. We can offer people our good will, but, we should not feel responsible for their mistakes.

Doing Nothing with a Purpose

We are doing nothing when we surf through the internet, watch some daytime cooking programme or check our email for a record 16th time in the past two hours. We can be in the vortex of activity but achieve nothing meaningful. The problem is we rush into activity without any preparation or thought. The art of doing nothing involves gaining an inner preparation, a mental stillness and cultivating an inner peace which gives meaning to our outer life. Meditation is the active cultivation of this inner silence and inner peace. It is the best way to gain a meaningful inner peace.

We can also just be more aware of the simplicity of life and nature. We can rush through the most beautiful scenery in the world, but, if we are absorbed in something else, it will be of no benefit. If we pursue simplicity and awareness we will appreciate many simple things alot more.

Don’t Be Defensive

It is not nice being criticised either directly or implicitly, but sometimes we worry too much and become very defensive. Learning to pay no heed of misinformed criticism can be a real boon for us.

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Apparently last Monday was statistically the most depressing day of the year.  Mondays are difficult because at this time of the year we regret the return to the daily grind after the Christmas break, then there’s all the broken New Years Resolutions. Mondays are also difficult because our natural body clock is 25 hours, therefore at the weekend we tend to sleep in, making it difficult to get up on Mondays, and when we are tired we are liable to be more grumpy.

So that’s the depressing theory, but, what can we do to avoid the Monday Blues?

Don’t Spend Your Weekend Thinking of Monday

Half the problem of Monday is in the anxiety and worries we have over the weekend. Enjoy your weekend and leave Monday for Monday. Rather than worrying about the potential problems seek to remember the good aspects of work. Most of our worries prove groundless any way.

Be Grateful for what you can

The nature of the human mind is to focus on negative aspects of life. We think of the frustrations of work and the daily problems. Rather than let our mind build up an impressive list of reasons to be miserable, we should think of several reasons to be grateful and appreciative. Even in a repetitive job we can find positive aspects. If nothing else, we can be grateful we have a job to go to. By appreciating the good things in our life, we give them more importance. It has a big impact on our personality and character. Those who are always complaining are the least fun to be with.  If you are positive you will attract people to you and create a positive energy.

Don’t Mess up Your Body Clock

If we feel physically tired it is much more difficult to be in a good frame of mind. One of the best things is to keep a certain routine at the weekend. Don’t sleep in, but keep your usual body clock. It will give you more time to enjoy the weekend and making getting up on Monday much easier.

Have A Life Beyond Work

At various times we need to stop and evaluate the priorities of our life. If our main activity is only work, we are living an unbalanced life and any problems we have with work will dominate our life. Give yourself something to look forward to on Monday evening or during the week. If you get a proper lunch break try to find something productive that you enjoy doing.

Don’t Get Frustrated with things you can’t control

Wherever we work there will be problems, awkward people and difficult issues. We can’t change this. If we move from one job to another, we will see the same problems repeated – just in different locations. The way to deal with difficult situations and people is develop a tolerance and detachment; we can’t expect to change our working environment to meet our expectations of a perfect workplace. My boss has an obsession with saving money so we get the heating turned off in the middle of the day and all kinds of things like that. Sometimes complaining can help, but, sometimes it makes it worse we have to be wise and deal with what we can.
The same principle applies for travelling to work. Try not getting frustrated when stuck in the inevitable traffic jams. See it as an opportunity to listen to your favourite music or even just do some stretching exercises.

Try something different

If you are getting bogged down by the repetitive nature of your work, try something different; look at your work from a different angle. For example, try being nice to an unpopular person at work. Try looking at work from a completely different perspective. Don’t get bogged down by small problems but try to see the bigger picture.

Take Pride in Mundane Tasks

Sometimes work feels unrewarding because it seems mundane with little reward or excitement. However, it is a mistake to think we have to do great things to gain satisfaction. Take pride even in small tasks. Work with a good attitude and don’t worry about whether you get external praise or not. If you can work without demanding external praise then you will enjoy your work far more. But, it is important that what ever we do, we gain job satisfaction. We might not want to do this job for very long. But, whatever we do have a positive attitude to it.

Take Exercise

Exercise is one of the best ways to change your mood and fight off mild depression. Try cycling to work, if you can or go to a gym sometime during the day.

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My recent New Year resolutions made me realise how difficult it is to break bad habits. By nature we are creatures of habit and somethings are really quite difficult to give up – even if we know they are not good for us. This is a practical guide to breaking bad habits and creating lasting changes to our lifestyle.

1. Be Clear you want to Break a Bad Habit.

One problem is that we are often caught in two minds about whether we want to break a habit or not. Part of us wants to give up drinking coffee, but, the other part really quite likes it. If we are half hearted or undecided we will never be successful. Continue reading “Breaking Bad Habits”

It’s two weeks since the start of the New Year, and if you’re like me, then you have probably not carried out all your New Year’s resolutions out to the extent which you’d like. Often when we lapse from our original intentions, we feel that we have somehow failed, and basically give up altogether – however there is no reason why we cannot simply pick up where we left off and make a fresh start.

My New Year’s resolution was to introduce more fresh fruit and veg into my life, and to cut down on eating fatty an sugary foots, and also maybe reduce a little those high-carb lunches that made me want to go to sleep for a couple of hours in the middle of the day. Unfortunately (for the resolution) I began the New Year whilst on a visit to Malaysia, and of course couldn’t resist indulging in quite a few of that countries delicacies only a couple of days into the resolution. But I’m home now, with a recently acquired supply of fresh fruit and veg, ready to start again.

Change your attitude to failure

Often when something happens and we don’t keep up our resolutions for a day or so, we often feel that that’s it, and the resolution is now broken. But imagine if we had that attitude as a baby, when we were learning to walk? Think of the countless times a baby tries to stand up, only to fall back down again. Failure is an experience every one of us deals with at some point or another, the important thing is not to be discouraged into giving up altogether.

sDon’t think of success; think of progress

Often we have an all-or-nothing approach to changing our lifestyle for the better. However, the process of making resolutions should not be a cycle of making targets and then feeling bad because you didn’t achieve them, there should be some joy in the process! In other words, we should be happy at any changes we do make, and take them as as positive signs of our own progress, rather than bemoaning our inability to transform ourselves overnight. If we have that attitude, it is much easier to accept ourselves and keep trying to improve, sespite the setbacks.

Adjust your goals if necessary

Sometimes it takes a setback for one to realise that their goals need modifying – you can think of it as a practice run. Something that helps for me is to change the nature of the resolution to give it a finite time frame. The mind tends to respond with negativity when faced with something stretching off into the indefinite future, so by saying you’re going to implement the resolution for the month of January or for the next two weeks, it peresents a much more finite challenge to the mind. Hopefully by the end of that timeframe, the habit will have well and truly stuck, and you’ll be well on the way to making a permanent change.

(Photo: Projjwal Pohland, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries)

ps  I’ve changed my first name from Shane to Nirbhasa, which is a name given to me signifying all the best qualities of my soul. It is a Sanskrit word, and relates to the soul shining forward from within. So you’ll see a different name at the start of all the posts from now on 🙂