How To Avoid Criticising Other People.
It is very easy to criticise other people. In fact, we may be unaware of how much time we really spend criticising other people. When we criticise people close to us, we very rarely help the other person; people don’t react positively to criticism. Quite often, when we criticise, what we are doing is bringing our own negative qualities to the fore. We may get a slight feeling of superiority, but, living in a world of gossip and criticism will bring us neither lasting peace nor happiness.
The first step is to make a conscious decision to try and avoid criticising other people. Primarily, we are here thinking of the minor fault finding that the human mind is prone to making. This does not mean we will never be aware of other people’s weaknesses, instead, we are seeking to see the good in people and avoid being unnecessarily critical. Here are some suggestions to avoid criticising other people.
1. How do we feel when we are criticised?
We have all suffered criticism at various times; it is not a pleasant experience. When we are criticised we feel miserable, defensive and angry. If we remember how we feel, we will think twice about criticising our friends and work colleagues. Empathy is a powerful invocation of our conscience. When we are aware of how much our actions can hurt others, it focuses us to avoid creating such an experience for others.
2. Is this a fault of myself or the other person?
We are quick to judge others, but skilful to justify or ignore our own weaknesses. It is an irony that when are strongly attracted to criticising somebody’s action, we often have this own defect in our character. For example, we may say about how bad, person X, is for spreading gossip. Yet, we do not think twice about spreading this criticism to all our friends. We gossip to criticise others for gossiping; it is a blatant hypocrisy, and our human mind often fails to see the irony of our own criticism.
When a crowd were gathering to condemn an adulterer, Jesus Christ, turned to the crowd asking. “Let the one without sin cast the first stone.” The point he was trying to make is that it is easier to condemn and criticise others, but we would be better off trying to reform our own, not insignificant, weaknesses.
3. Is there a better way to change our friends?
Firstly, I think it is a mistake to feel that we can change other people. But, suppose we really wish to discourage some aspect of someone else’s behaviour. Rather than directly criticising their behaviour, we can be more tactful and appeal to their better nature. For example, suppose someone is prone to being moody and miserable. If we criticise them for being miserable, they are unlikely to positively respond to this onslaught of more negativity. Instead, we can encourage them to be proactive in something that they are useful at. If they are able to prove their own self worth to themselves, this will be the best antidote to depression and unhappiness. Basically, if you want people to transcend their weaknesses, always appeal to their better nature. If we just dwell on their negative qualities, we can even make them worse rather than better.
4. Identify with others suffering.
Sri Chinmoy suggests that one of the best ways to avoid criticising others is to develop a sense of oneness with others around you.
“When you identify yourself with the other person's suffering, you will feel, "No matter how imperfect and useless he is, I have no right to cause this kind of suffering in him. I have come into the world to establish my oneness with others and not to destroy others with my criticism."
From: Sri Chinmoy Library in response to: Q. “How can I not criticise others and what can I do when others criticise me? Sometimes I get very mad.”
See also: Dealing with Anger
The first step is to make a conscious decision to try and avoid criticising other people. Primarily, we are here thinking of the minor fault finding that the human mind is prone to making. This does not mean we will never be aware of other people’s weaknesses, instead, we are seeking to see the good in people and avoid being unnecessarily critical. Here are some suggestions to avoid criticising other people.
1. How do we feel when we are criticised?
We have all suffered criticism at various times; it is not a pleasant experience. When we are criticised we feel miserable, defensive and angry. If we remember how we feel, we will think twice about criticising our friends and work colleagues. Empathy is a powerful invocation of our conscience. When we are aware of how much our actions can hurt others, it focuses us to avoid creating such an experience for others.
2. Is this a fault of myself or the other person?
We are quick to judge others, but skilful to justify or ignore our own weaknesses. It is an irony that when are strongly attracted to criticising somebody’s action, we often have this own defect in our character. For example, we may say about how bad, person X, is for spreading gossip. Yet, we do not think twice about spreading this criticism to all our friends. We gossip to criticise others for gossiping; it is a blatant hypocrisy, and our human mind often fails to see the irony of our own criticism.
When a crowd were gathering to condemn an adulterer, Jesus Christ, turned to the crowd asking. “Let the one without sin cast the first stone.” The point he was trying to make is that it is easier to condemn and criticise others, but we would be better off trying to reform our own, not insignificant, weaknesses.
3. Is there a better way to change our friends?
Firstly, I think it is a mistake to feel that we can change other people. But, suppose we really wish to discourage some aspect of someone else’s behaviour. Rather than directly criticising their behaviour, we can be more tactful and appeal to their better nature. For example, suppose someone is prone to being moody and miserable. If we criticise them for being miserable, they are unlikely to positively respond to this onslaught of more negativity. Instead, we can encourage them to be proactive in something that they are useful at. If they are able to prove their own self worth to themselves, this will be the best antidote to depression and unhappiness. Basically, if you want people to transcend their weaknesses, always appeal to their better nature. If we just dwell on their negative qualities, we can even make them worse rather than better.
4. Identify with others suffering.
Sri Chinmoy suggests that one of the best ways to avoid criticising others is to develop a sense of oneness with others around you.
“When you identify yourself with the other person's suffering, you will feel, "No matter how imperfect and useless he is, I have no right to cause this kind of suffering in him. I have come into the world to establish my oneness with others and not to destroy others with my criticism."
From: Sri Chinmoy Library in response to: Q. “How can I not criticise others and what can I do when others criticise me? Sometimes I get very mad.”
See also: Dealing with Anger
Labels: happiness
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