Recently, we posted on how to deal with angry customers. In this post, we continuing our series on dealing with anger. – This time, how to reduce our own anger
In this post, I would like to consider some more suggestions for resolving problems of anger
Short Term
Anger is a sudden emotion that can flare up and take us by surprise. In this immediate time period it is most powerful. When we feel overpowered by anger it is important to try and delay our response. If we try to remain detached, even for a moment, the force of the anger will start to dissipate. Then it becomes easier to view the issue objectively.
- When anger takes us by surprise, it is helpful to do some deliberate exercises that take our mind away from the anger. If we breathe calmly, slowly and deliberately, this will definitely help reduce the impact of the anger. Even just counting can help. All that happens is that we are forced to think of something else and this on its own reduces the power of our anger.
In the Long Term, if we can’t get rid of underlying anger and resentment, we can try these techniques.
Don’t Take Life Too Seriously
“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,”
– William Shakespeare
In life, people will do stupid, irritating things, if we expect perfection from others, if we expect our life to be free of problems we will always be doomed to disappointment. Life is too short to harbour grudges and anger against people.
What is Gained, What is Lost?
Nursing anger towards others is a guaranteed to make us depressed. But, does it help change the situation? The point is we need to be wise, if we are angry and miserable we gain nothing. If we nurse anger and are unable to get rid of it, it will be ourselves who lose out. If we can detach from anger, if we can move on, then we can regain our inner happiness. Wanting to be peaceful, is the most important step in actually achieving it. If we realise the benefits of dealing with our anger, we will make persistent efforts to get rid of it.
Persistent detachment.
If we make a desire to detach from our anger, we may get frustrated because our first efforts fail. Despite a wish to be free from anger and frustration, we find it keeps coming back. It is like a bad habit we need to get out of. We may not succeed with our first, second or third effort but, if we persistently ignore our anger, eventually we will be successful. Never be dispirited if we feel anger for no good reason. It is a passing emotion that we can choose to ignore.
Empathy
This might appear difficult, but, if we are angry with a person / group of persons we can try to see the problem from their perspective. This doesn’t mean we need to agree with them, but what we are trying to do is to appreciate why they behave like they do. Sometimes the behaviour of others appears incomprehensible. But, maybe if we had the same upbringing, we might have a similar perspective on life. If we can do this we blur the edges between absolute right and wrong. This empathy and sympathy is the first step to appreciating that they be just trying their best. When we try to understand and sympathise with others it will definitely lessen our anger and feeling of separation. Anger is a problem because it gives us a very partial understanding to any problem.
Smile
If you can smile at your enemy / problem, half the power disappears at once.
Maybe these things will not work for all situations. But, if we are honest often we can become angry for relative trivial offences. Perhaps someone said a sharp word, drove badly or was generally inconsiderate. But, it is not the end of the world. Some people feel anger can help, but, I don’t agree. Anger gives us an unbalanced outlook, we become blind to a neutral perspective.
Photo Unmesh Swanson, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries
Hi… I’d like to add a suggestion for you. Maybe you covered it but anger really is a natural protection mechanism so we don’t have to feel our hurt feelings. If you slow down the event that made you angry, you will find that first, something hurt you. Usually, it has to do with pride and ego getting hurt in some way.
🙂
Really enjoying your site!
Ahna
In case we forget it, anger has its uses too, for our survival.
Our adrenalin pumps up so that we become alert, focused, and ready to face the perceived threat.
Very helpful article on anger. Below is another technique in managing anger which has proved helpful when giving support to my clients during the counselling process.
Repeat a mantra of peace while breathing. This could be made up by the person who is angry. e.g. as the angry person breaths in deeply through the nostrils, he or she could say ‘I am breathing in peacefulness’ as he or she breaths out through the mouth’ I am feeling calm’ .The mind will record these feeling of peace and there will be a calmness over the body, mind and spirit.
Thank you. I just needed to review this material as I have very recently (yesterday) been thrust into a role of absolute anger and frustration. I needed to hear this stuff. Thank you.
I am less angry now after reading this notes. not frustrated. , I am always annoyed and ppl and when things go wrong. I try to be a good person, a good father and husband. I don’t know how to deal with all this angry. its hurting my marriage. I am trying new things to get better. but its very easy to have a explosion. I was never like this ..if anyone can help its time I listen. Ty your stories help this web help.
I have very bad anger issues. I can’t seem to get along with my family. Im rebellious, selfish, childish, and make people disappear if I dislike them. I want to change all that and let this anger out in a positive way instead of rebelling against others for my wrong doings. I just had a fight with a friend over a simple opinion he had and I fell into a deep rage. For what? Over nothing. I need help.
JJ,
My mate is the same way and it’s killing me. Please don’t take this personally, but when he and I had an argument, over whether or not I was happy ( I still don’t understand how that evolved into an argument), I researched personality disorders and test to determine if a personality disorder exists. The first time I took it, I took it as myself and learned that I may have two disorders. The second time I took it, as best I could, as him. The results told me a lot and helped me understand that a different approach is necessary if we have a chance of making it. I say this to say, maybe if you can identify your areas of improvement, you can begin to find help for your self proclaimed anger issues.
I wish you all the best.
Anger is a overly bad emotion when someone is upset or angry here
Is a tecnique write down what is wrong
On a peice of paper and crumble it up the un crumble it and rip it up and throw it on the floor if u r a child clean up afterwards mom or da will get really mad
If anger is not shown to others, then they will take the situation very lightly and forget it in the future as a result they will do the same mistake again and again.
for ex: i made a sudden plan of going out for a tour but my friend after telling yes to give me company, suddenly refuses to come with me. This makes the situation very tense and make me angry.
it is possible to control your anger 1ce but its impossible to control next time if you are a short tempered. Its very impossible to show whats going inside……………………………..
Hi, Ihave terrible anger issues, and it always gets me in trouble with my parents, i am a 12 year old child and i hate my life so much.I really need help. Me and my parents get along one minute then the next it’s like we dont even know each other.I cry so much, day and night. I’ve tried ALL the tequnices including seeing someone to help me, but that didnt help either.I hate myself and my life and i cut myself alot, but i’ve stopped a now. Imake evryones life miserable including my own. Right now, i have taken my mum’s laptop and hid in the backard where they cant see me. For one minute i actually thought they would care about me and be worried about me, but, i can hear them and they’re just talking and playing with my 15-year oldsister. The favourite child. This website has’nt helped me, but thats just me. Thankyou so much for the advice though and i really appreciate it. Does anyone knowany idea of how to help me? please?. Thanks.
@AbssM It won’t be easy to deal with an unknown anger. On the one hand it will make you insane, on the other hand it will give you self-pity. Our brains play a big role and responsible in responding to our emotions. In your case, anger. Your 15yo sister is not a favorite of your parents. Your parents care for you, and they got worried when you hid yourself in the backyard. How did I arrived with all these fancy ideas? Well, it is because these are all positive situations, once you manage to think positively, negative emotions will eventually disappear. Everything happens with the way we think about the situation. Happiness is but in the state of our minds. Otherwise, we will feel miserable. And other people may not even aware that we are miserable. If we can give ourselves the chance “the-feeling-of-forever” to hate everything about our life, why not try to give at least just 60seconds to think about good things that can make you happy. Feel the difference. And indulge with the emotion you choose and like to deal with for the rest of your life. It’s your choice.
it cant help.I am 19 and i am angry at all cost.please some one help me to control it.pleaseeee……
My husband gets so angry at me. We go about 6 months pretty good and then I do something that upsets him and all hell breaks loose. And I have to hear how I did it on purpose, I live to upset him. He was really miserable the last 6 months. He was just fakiing it. And anything else he can say to hurt me. You can not reason with him in any way. Then he leaves me for days or weeks. This has been going on for 27 years. And before I make him mad, he seems happy with our lives. He always tells me he loves me. We have 3 children together. And have a lot of hobbies in common. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Can anyone really change? He usually gets mad because I don’t agree with him on something, or complain about something especially if i express he did it wrong. and then i try to have a conversation about it trying to explain i don’t blame him just that we see somethings different.I believe he feels like he fails me and covers that up by blaming me and getting angry.
I’m really loving this site. I have a lot of pent up anger because my last two relationships were with drug addicts and alcoholics which has caused me to become a co-dependent and very resentful and untrusting. After reading the articles on anger and self-esteem on this site, I feel a shift has taken place and accountability for my own actions has been admitted. I did the best with what I knew at the time. And here we are. I can see now that all that has happened in my life has led me to this point in my life where I am able to start all over and see that it’s not as bad as it used to be. I have come a long way and have so much more hope then ever that life can only get better because of sites like this that inspire me to take positive steps in co-creating my best life. Thank you.
Hello:
I would like to suggest, for any child who has a lot of expression of anger/frustration
towards parents or others,
that perhaps some space is needed – the feeling of space in the mind, that it is
possible to communicate.
to understand that it is quite common for people not to understand what you
are communicating right away – but to learn methods for expanding on your
communicating.
that as you work more with this, then it starts to become easier.
Often it is because we do not feel understood. Then it is possible to think
of different ways to express what you are saying, to make it clearer to the parent.
Also, to understand that parents will not always understand us. There is always
another opportunity. To feel positive that this can happen.
That parents may sometimes understand and hear us, however, they still
may not agree to ‘give’ us what we ‘want’.
As a caveat, I wish to say that any child who is in an abusive or unsafe
environment, should contact a person whom they trust – at school or elsewhere safe,
and should work persistently, and calmly toward – being protected and taken care of.